Trying to live alone

*originally written 5/16/2004*

It's been a while since I've written anything at all. Why not? Said many. I can't write anything when I am happy, I write best when I am in pain. My words form meaning on paper like blood oozing out from an open wound, I says to them. And it's true, for the past two years, I turned my back on my words and fell in love.

So here I am, tappity-tapping in front of the computer, pouring out my nonsensical ramblings, it can only mean one thing. Go figure.

It was magical. A meaning to the abyss of confusion. My missing piece of the puzzle of which I call life. But I chose to walk away. Away from what I had. I have tried so long since to find a song to say how I actually feel and why I did it. I found it in one of my old slow rock CDs.

I held you for a moment in my hands
The moment with you slipped away like sand
Through my fingers now
In front of me a choice I have to make
To carry on or simply fade away
I lose you either way
I'd like to say that it was easy
It was hard To say goodbye
I thought I would die
Letting go of you
Was so hard to do
And I thought that it will kill me but I made it though somehow
And I'm so much stronger now

Stronger now , Warrant

You might be asking, if you loved her, you wouldn't have had walked away. Well, my friend, I loved her. With all my heart and soul. I never did care about anyone in my life and I don't think I will care about anyone the same way I did for her. I wanted to marry this person. We had plans for the future.

When I least expected it, She said choose, and I chose.

It was a difficult choice and I chose the most painful road.

Even in front of my friends, I am still the same. Looking stronger in fact but inside, I feel lost. My world is a mess again and I look for order in my work, my new found freedom and everything I wasn't allowed to do in the past year.

And many a night after she left my world, I wondered to myself, did I love her? I did. With all my heart. Did I do my best? I guess I did in my own way.

And one thing that tormented me. Did she love me? I would like to think that she did. In her own special way. And I guess she did.

Did I know what love is? Yes I did. And I showed her my version of love. I gave everything I had inside of me, and took whatever she wanted to give.

But what did this thing called love do to me?

Love is a magical thing. The thing that inspired me to keep going and always try to be a better human being. But now? Where is the love that used to comfort me while I slept?

And yet I still dream of it, the love I seek to give me the peace I have looked for eons.
I dreamt of her, I dreamt of the peace I could have had, I dreamt of the future that I was robbed of. Even in my hell, I dream of seeing, and touching heaven every single night. And every night I fear to dream of my heaven.

Not because I am afraid I can't tell reality from fantasy. But I fear the waking moment, because that's the point of time where I will lose everything I long for in a single second.

Maybe we are such stuff dreams are made of, then maybe I won't wake up crying to dream again. Dreams are made up of the impossible; the stuff we've left behind. The trinkets of our past that we wish we still had. But these days I can't be sure what dreams are made of anymore. And to tell you the truth, I don't think I care anymore.

Why do I still care for her then? Even till today, even when the thought of her still kills me inside?

She was kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter how bad, and I know that she'll still love me, because she knew me. I wanted to go with her. I wanted to give up all I had here to return with her. I wanted everything. But sometimes the reality slaps you hard in the face and you wake up and realize there's so much that you can't leave behind.

I remember a quote from somewhere that says. "Do not walk in front of me for I do not want to follow you. Do not walk behind me, for I do not want to lead you. Walk beside me, for it is then we will walk together."

And then she stopped walking altogether. She stopped. And she looked at us. She looked at me. Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don't know. And she became a stranger and we drifted apart.

But I'll always love her. All my life. Maybe it'll fade away with time or with travel, when i too leave the states and go back to Egypt. But I know that when I go back to Boston, my paradise on earth and go back to the places to where there was light and colour and laughter in my world of black and white, I know I will remember her and remember how it is to love someone and to loved in return.

But now, it's back to the shadows. To my four walls where I face every night and drive myself insane wishing I could touch her face.

But the truth remains. She's gone.

And I'm trying to live alone.