The window of opprutunity

People tell me that I am impatient, and they are not wrong.

The problem lies, I think, in the fact that I am a classic textbook Gemini through and through, which means that I am an ADD head Borderline-Asshole who is constantly seeking excitement and stimulation, and who is thoroughly fascinated and in love with himself. People don’t get that, and that last part always gets them confused, even though I can explain it time and time again: “I am in love with me. I think I am the best thing since sliced bread. I would rather hang out all by myself than with 90% of the people in my facebook friends list. I value myself and I value my time greatly, so don’t you dare waste it.”

Yep, that’s the attitude.

So the way it works in relationships and friendships is as follows: I decide that I like you, that you would make fun and worthy company, so I contact you and put in the effort to actually hang out with you. That- due to my massive ego that y’all love to reference so much- takes so much from me personally, that when I do it, I expect nothing less than an enthusiastic response from those I reach out to. I expect that mainly because I don’t seek the company of many (it's usually otehrs who seek my company), so if I am trying to hang out with someone, it’s because I believe them to be something interesting, special, above the fray so to speak. And I expect them to have the intelligence to get that.

What they don’t get, however, is that I am not going to wait on them forever. The moment I open up to having you as part of my life, you are granted-in my view- a window of opportunity not granted for many. That window has both a time & effort limit, and if the person exhausted either one of their limits, I immediately get bored with them and never bother with them again. And while you may think of that as awfully ego-centric or whatever, it’s just simply how I operate, which is why I keep trying to get them to jump on that bandwagon. And that’s when people accuse me of being impatient. But it’s not that, I try to explain, I just don’t want to get bored with you, because the moment I do, it’s like an automatic system shutdown towards that person. I may meet them, they may get me to talk and respond and even joke around, but I am simply not there. I am not engaged, even if I would like to be. It’s like I am done with that person forever, and there are no second chances or reprieves.

And it drives me crazy.

It drives me crazy because some of those people I would’ve actually liked to keep around and care about, especially that I only emotionally invest myself in so few people, and then due to whatever reason (they are busy, they are playing hard to get, they have intimacy issues, they might just not like me, etc..) that person my have, I find that the effort I put in isn’t reciprocated the same way, so I immediately start to do two things simultaneously 1) start to distance myself from them with less phone calls, chats or meet-ups and 2) when I do try to reach them in order to do things, I am more insistent than usual, mainly because deep inside I know that if this goes on for a few more days, the window of opportunity will automatically shut itself, and no power in the universe can convince me to bother with that person ever again. I don’t do chases. Games bore the shit out of me. I adore simplicity. But that’s me, and apparently people like me aren’t that common anymore.

So yes, I know I am frustrating at times. I know I am slightly cuckoo about this specific issue, but at least I know it and I try to remedy it. This is part of the process. I am letting you know so you can understand.

That is all!

Frozen in the cycle

We met a long while back, almost 3 years now, and me and her recognized immediately that we had a connection. I understood her, she understood me and we couldn’t get enough of hanging out with each other. It wasn’t friendship, it wasn’t love or physical attraction. It’s simply the knowledge that one person gets you, really gets you, and that you get them back. That’s the extent of the demands you two asked of one another.

There is nothing like it in the whole world.

And when I try to explain it to people, they didn’t get it. They asked me to date her, to take her out, to take a positive step to change the clutter infested disaster that has come to be known as my love-life to something more, ehh, cheerfull, while I shook my head and told them to shut the fuck up. It’s not about that. A connection doesn’t always mean friendship, nor does it always mean romantic involvement. It’s something beyond that. It involves clicking with someone. Fitting with them. Not for any other purpose but that. It’s when you don’t have to invite someone into your heart because they already live there. They own a piece. And it seems like they always did, you just didn’t know any pieces were missing.

So I gave up on talking about it to people. What’s the point anyway? In their mind the purpose of any two people who are single and who remotely like each other is for them to be together. Coupling as an end to itself. Because the worst thing in this world- according to them- is apparently being alone when you could be with someone. I don’t know. I never shared that sentiment (maybe because I like being alone?). You could be with someone 24/7 and they still don’t get you or you them. Maybe just having someone in this world who does is enough. How many people can say that they have someone who gets them, really gets them? Someone who puts no barriers when you two talk, someone not afraid of showing you and you alone their scars? Having someone like that is your life is lucky enough, I always said, so why possibly ruin it by wanting more? No, I liked my relationship with her as it is. Pure, clean and undiluted. It was perfect. That’s probably why it couldn’t last!

It all went to shit when she finally came to visit. We had some drinks, and we were hyper and happy and goofing around like the 2 6-year olds that we allow ourselves to be in the company of each other, and then she told me she was wondering about something: what it would be like to kiss me. So, I kiss her, and we lost ourselves in that kiss for hours. It was , for the lack of a better word, perfect. Everything melted. Nothing mattered anymore. And time seemed like a myth. We would take 10 minute rests every hour or so, gasping for air, and looking at each other wondering if this was really happening. And it was. We had that perfect moment where the emotional and the physical connects, and nothing seemed to be able to take that away.

And like that, poof, it was gone!

It wasn’t gone that night, mind you. It was the morning after, when she woke up confused and disoriented and guilty, not knowing if what she did was a mistake, mad at herself for jeopardizing a friendship, mad at herself for doing something she never done before, and frightened as hell from the freedom that she experienced with me. This was new to her, which also meant that it was dangerous, which therefore means it needs to stop. And then she decided to let me know all that as soon as possible. Oh , how fun that experience was.

I tried to explain to her that she needs to chill out, that what happened is not gonna affect our friendship, because simply, we were never friends. We were always more than that, but not lovers either. We were question marks in each other’s lives, and that’s probably how it will always be. I begged her not to allow guilt to mess with her mind, to recognize the fact that there is no sin in pleasure, but it all fell on deaf ears. Who can stop a woman when she is on a journey of self flagellation anyway? Hell, in her mind, me trying to tell her that there is no reason for her to freak out like this was probably out of my desire to hook up with her again. The once impervious connection was now all distorted by guilt and bullshit and confusion. In less than 24 hours, everything got fucked.

It’s soo stupid to me, because, honestly, no matter how perfect that make-out session was, it wasn’t worth losing her to awkwardness and distance. You try to explain this to her but something tells you that she is not listening. That her own mind is working over time trying to figure out a solution to our non-existent crisis and I am not helping her by informing her that the crisis doesn’t exist and that she is being a huge drama queen. And to think this whole thing would’ve worked better if we actually talked it out instead of freaking out about it, but she did just that, and I ended up picking the pieces after her. It of course helped that I knew immediately what was gonna happen next, so you can say I was prepared.

Confused girl M.O. 101: Keep your distance, but deny that you are doing anything. Have conversations with your source of confusion about him and him alone. Avoid talking about any real topics affecting you at the moment, because they would eventually delve into a conversation about him and you, which could lead to resolving the situation, and who wants that? No, better to keep the distance, and have him do all the work of trying to maintain the “connection” for at least 4 months until you decide you will no longer give in to crazy and that enough is enough. He, of course, will have to grin and bear it, because let’s face it, it’s not like he has any feelings of his own about this entire thing, and even if he did, yours matter more damn it, so he should just suck it up and be understanding.

Fun times!

It all doesn’t matter after a while though, because eventually the situation gets fixed. It may take 2 or 6 or 8 months, but eventually things return to normal. Your connection resumes its ambiguous nature, and you, yet again, drive your friends insane by how close you two are without being together. And while you couldn’t be happier about it, sometimes, when you are being totally honest with yourself, you can’t help but being slightly sad about those few wasted months of trying to ratify something that wasn’t a mistake to begin with, and how there will always be this tainted spot in your history, because of the actions taken by both of you one drunken night.

You two are not in love, because god knows you are not the slightest bit jealous when she is dating others, nor would you ever make a demand on her in regards to dating you. Love is for children. What you both have, or had, is so many steps ahead of love it’s not even funny, and it will continue to exist even if you both married different people and lived half a globe away from each other, and that’s what you love about it.

What you hate about it is your realization that it is vulnerable to the viruses that kill all other forms of relationships: Guilt, self-doubt, insecurity and confusion. Your connection isn’t as bullet-proof as you thought, and that just breaks your heart, because the one certain thing in your life is not certain anymore and there is nothing you can do about it. You feel powerless, frozen in a cycle, just simply awaiting the next time it will all go to shit all over again, until the day comes when she decides she is over all that, and finally sets you both free.

The Two cups

Imagine Two cups, one that has the word "Love" on it, and another that has the word "Pain" on it.

When you start loving someone, and I mean love in its most general terms, ya3ny love you have for your friends and the love you have for your significant other, you find inside of you a compartment with those 2 cups that has the name of your loved one on it.

As usually the case, the Love cup is almost all the way full, and the Pain cup is empty. However, slowly but surely the cup starts getting filled, as the ones we love start hurting us. It could be a trickle of numerous small offenses, or a couple gushing big ones, but the effect is always the same. The cup, that once was empty, was now catching up with the Love cup in terms of fullness.

That being the case, we continue staying with those who hurt us, because the love cup still holds more in it than the Pain cup. This could be the case forever, or the pain cup continues to get filled and to catch up with the Love cup. Until the most dangerous phase is reached. The Phase of equilibrium. When the Love cup and the Pain cup are both equally filled. When there is a equal balance of Love and Pain in that person's account with you. That's when things get interesting, precisely because the moment anything, any small offense, gets committed by that person we loved, we are immediately done with them. It's over, in the most sudden and aggressive of manner. You are through with them, for a very very long time, quite possibly forever.

The people around us, who only see what's been happening on the surface, are always astonished at that reaction. They ask you why you did what you did. They cite all the older examples of bad shit that person has done to you when you forgave them unequivocally, and wonder why you chose to turn the tables on them for this particular small incident. And you can't always fully explain it, because it doesn't always make sense to whomever listens, but in the most laymen of terms, you've just had enough and you weren't going to take it anymore. Your Pain cup was filled and started to overflow. Something needed to be done.

The sad thing is, it never has to be like this. While the Love cup is permanent and fixed, the pain cup is volatile and can be drained,and it doesn't take much to drain it. All it takes is a little effort and sincerity. God knows they are already aided by the love we have for them. But they are usually oblivious, insolently unappreciative and too secure in the love you offered them to really care or be alarmed. And while it is true that you can never really stop loving people you once loved, it's also true that you can let go of the pain they've caused you, if they were honest in the efforts, and done it before the pain levels reached the critical point of Balance with the love cup. Somehow, after that, all efforts appear futile, and simply too little too late.

I try to stay aware of those two cups when dealing with the people I love. Maybe that's why when I have to hurt them I try to minimize it as much as possible. I don't love easily, the people inside my circle of intimacy are rare and counted, and everybody knows this. Maybe that's why it stings more when I am hurt, because I know that I would do anything for those I love, but they wouldn't necessarily do the same for me.

It's not the act, or the pain, that gets you in the end. It's the sense of betrayal, like falling from 10 story building, and finding out a little too late that there won't be anyone down there to catch you.

Dear You know who,

This is not the post that was supposed to be here.

Instead, there was a bigger post, filled with anger and venom towards you. Four pages, listing in detail how much of a really bad friend you are, how you took me for granted, how you brought nothing but shit into my life, and a lot more angry whiny crap like that. It was mean, it attacked below the belt and it aimed to destroy any visage of friendship we had and quite possibly fuck you up. Everybody who read it warned me not to send it for those exact reasons.

Well, as you can see, I didn't post it or send it to you, but not because of those reasons. I didn't send you that post, despite the temptation caused by your provocative statements, because it would've been really cowardly to do so. The aim would've been to get you so hurt you would never attempt contacting me again, and I wouldn't have to deal with confronting you or with any more drama coming from you. Not to mention, even though it's been nothing but heartache, I did care about you a whole lot, and I do believe that the friendship we had demands more respect than an angry ranting 4 page post.

You seem to think that this is another one of our fights, and that once we sit down and talk everything will be resolved. You are totally wrong on this count. You took the friendship for granted, you weren't there when I needed you the most, and you even caused unnecessary shit when I psychologically couldn't handle it, and you don't see you did anything wrong at all. Even when you recognize that you were a bad friend, you blamed me for being too good of a friend to you. You demand forgiveness without contrition or atonement, and god knows I obliged you in the past, but no more!

This relationship is permenantly damaged, and the friendship is beyond repair. It has been for quite some time, I just didn't notice it. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Either way, we are through. You should know this. We can meet and talk about it, but I don't think it would be of any use. It's probably better this way.

I wish you all the best in life, and all the luck in the world. I hope you find friends who will be able to handle..well..you, and who wouldn't "give up and flee" like you said I did. I tried, but I couldn't. It was too much to care for you when you didn't care for yourself, or even act as if you cared about me. It was an abusive relationship in every definition of the word, and its expiration date has been long overdue. I hope that not everybody ends up feeling this way I do, because you deserve people caring for you and being there for you. I just regret I couldn't be one of them.

All the love in the world,

Me

elusive

She's a gambler spinning wheels,
A poison victim but look of steel.
The coldest hearts you've ever felt,
The coldest hands you've ever held.

Taking down, on your way.
A million miles, still no headway.
As I learn to live long,
In a mind I'm proud to roam.

She's elusive and I'm awake,
You're finally real, there's nothing fake.
A mystery now to me and you,
Open my eyes and I'm next to you.
She said my destiny
lies in the hands that set me free.

A reckless night, she hears me breathe,
Cursing the sky at this company.
They lost the wisdom deep inside,
When bitterness shows it's side.

If it's true, I am doomed,
What more is there to hold on to?
A strand of her hair is all I own,
A gift to me, this sorry soul.

She's elusive and I'm awake,
You're finally real, there's nothing fake.
A mystery now to me and you,
Open my eyes and I'm next to you.
She said my destiny
lies in the hands that set me free.

The sun in sails, and this ain't right.
There's more to her than meets the eye.
She comes and goes at any time,
Back in my head at another time.

She's elusive and I'm awake,
You're finally real, there's nothing fake.
A mystery now to me and you,
Open my eyes and I'm next to you.
She said my destiny
lies in the hands that set me free

Lonely Girl

A pill, a joint, a glass and maybe a trip
Sweet talk, lights out, and maybe then strip
To let go, to escape, to hide out in plain sight
Always restless, too bored, too weak to fight,
when all of her demons come out to play at night.
Sensation junkie, scared girl, hide from the light!

You always seek, to run away, to escape this place
The methods vary, putting that smirk on your face
Like the snake, its bite, its poison and its charm
Or lost in the oblivion of someone else’s arms
Always in the shadows, always staying in the dark
You keep hoping they won’t get to see the scars

You are surrounded by many, but you are always alone
Your seclusion, vibrating, but never really shown
Your illusions, reverberating, setting the tone
You are "ugly", you are "fat", and incredibly cruel
You will hurt, purposely, all who care about you
“You don’t believe me? Well, I’ll show you too!”

But there are those, like me, who just won’t let go
I know this game, your pain, I know….I KNOW!
It won’t be cured by pushing them all away
By causing, all of that Havoc, almost every day
That collateral damage, you inflict, indiscriminately
Your death wish eating you, spreading that misery

Well, sweet little girl, you might just succeed
You might push away all the people you actually need
Your desolation, your isolation, secured, indeed
I would just hate to see
those who damaged you, win
Reigning victorious, unopposed
in that great battle within
Owned by your demons, forever..
That would be such a sin!

My current state

My soul on fire waiting to explode and my heart growing so ever cold.