Sunday, February 24, 2008

Frozen in the cycle

We met a long while back, almost 3 years now, and me and her recognized immediately that we had a connection. I understood her, she understood me and we couldn’t get enough of hanging out with each other. It wasn’t friendship, it wasn’t love or physical attraction. It’s simply the knowledge that one person gets you, really gets you, and that you get them back. That’s the extent of the demands you two asked of one another.

There is nothing like it in the whole world.

And when I try to explain it to people, they didn’t get it. They asked me to date her, to take her out, to take a positive step to change the clutter infested disaster that has come to be known as my love-life to something more, ehh, cheerfull, while I shook my head and told them to shut the fuck up. It’s not about that. A connection doesn’t always mean friendship, nor does it always mean romantic involvement. It’s something beyond that. It involves clicking with someone. Fitting with them. Not for any other purpose but that. It’s when you don’t have to invite someone into your heart because they already live there. They own a piece. And it seems like they always did, you just didn’t know any pieces were missing.

So I gave up on talking about it to people. What’s the point anyway? In their mind the purpose of any two people who are single and who remotely like each other is for them to be together. Coupling as an end to itself. Because the worst thing in this world- according to them- is apparently being alone when you could be with someone. I don’t know. I never shared that sentiment (maybe because I like being alone?). You could be with someone 24/7 and they still don’t get you or you them. Maybe just having someone in this world who does is enough. How many people can say that they have someone who gets them, really gets them? Someone who puts no barriers when you two talk, someone not afraid of showing you and you alone their scars? Having someone like that is your life is lucky enough, I always said, so why possibly ruin it by wanting more? No, I liked my relationship with her as it is. Pure, clean and undiluted. It was perfect. That’s probably why it couldn’t last!

It all went to shit when she finally came to visit. We had some drinks, and we were hyper and happy and goofing around like the 2 6-year olds that we allow ourselves to be in the company of each other, and then she told me she was wondering about something: what it would be like to kiss me. So, I kiss her, and we lost ourselves in that kiss for hours. It was , for the lack of a better word, perfect. Everything melted. Nothing mattered anymore. And time seemed like a myth. We would take 10 minute rests every hour or so, gasping for air, and looking at each other wondering if this was really happening. And it was. We had that perfect moment where the emotional and the physical connects, and nothing seemed to be able to take that away.

And like that, poof, it was gone!

It wasn’t gone that night, mind you. It was the morning after, when she woke up confused and disoriented and guilty, not knowing if what she did was a mistake, mad at herself for jeopardizing a friendship, mad at herself for doing something she never done before, and frightened as hell from the freedom that she experienced with me. This was new to her, which also meant that it was dangerous, which therefore means it needs to stop. And then she decided to let me know all that as soon as possible. Oh , how fun that experience was.

I tried to explain to her that she needs to chill out, that what happened is not gonna affect our friendship, because simply, we were never friends. We were always more than that, but not lovers either. We were question marks in each other’s lives, and that’s probably how it will always be. I begged her not to allow guilt to mess with her mind, to recognize the fact that there is no sin in pleasure, but it all fell on deaf ears. Who can stop a woman when she is on a journey of self flagellation anyway? Hell, in her mind, me trying to tell her that there is no reason for her to freak out like this was probably out of my desire to hook up with her again. The once impervious connection was now all distorted by guilt and bullshit and confusion. In less than 24 hours, everything got fucked.

It’s soo stupid to me, because, honestly, no matter how perfect that make-out session was, it wasn’t worth losing her to awkwardness and distance. You try to explain this to her but something tells you that she is not listening. That her own mind is working over time trying to figure out a solution to our non-existent crisis and I am not helping her by informing her that the crisis doesn’t exist and that she is being a huge drama queen. And to think this whole thing would’ve worked better if we actually talked it out instead of freaking out about it, but she did just that, and I ended up picking the pieces after her. It of course helped that I knew immediately what was gonna happen next, so you can say I was prepared.

Confused girl M.O. 101: Keep your distance, but deny that you are doing anything. Have conversations with your source of confusion about him and him alone. Avoid talking about any real topics affecting you at the moment, because they would eventually delve into a conversation about him and you, which could lead to resolving the situation, and who wants that? No, better to keep the distance, and have him do all the work of trying to maintain the “connection” for at least 4 months until you decide you will no longer give in to crazy and that enough is enough. He, of course, will have to grin and bear it, because let’s face it, it’s not like he has any feelings of his own about this entire thing, and even if he did, yours matter more damn it, so he should just suck it up and be understanding.

Fun times!

It all doesn’t matter after a while though, because eventually the situation gets fixed. It may take 2 or 6 or 8 months, but eventually things return to normal. Your connection resumes its ambiguous nature, and you, yet again, drive your friends insane by how close you two are without being together. And while you couldn’t be happier about it, sometimes, when you are being totally honest with yourself, you can’t help but being slightly sad about those few wasted months of trying to ratify something that wasn’t a mistake to begin with, and how there will always be this tainted spot in your history, because of the actions taken by both of you one drunken night.

You two are not in love, because god knows you are not the slightest bit jealous when she is dating others, nor would you ever make a demand on her in regards to dating you. Love is for children. What you both have, or had, is so many steps ahead of love it’s not even funny, and it will continue to exist even if you both married different people and lived half a globe away from each other, and that’s what you love about it.

What you hate about it is your realization that it is vulnerable to the viruses that kill all other forms of relationships: Guilt, self-doubt, insecurity and confusion. Your connection isn’t as bullet-proof as you thought, and that just breaks your heart, because the one certain thing in your life is not certain anymore and there is nothing you can do about it. You feel powerless, frozen in a cycle, just simply awaiting the next time it will all go to shit all over again, until the day comes when she decides she is over all that, and finally sets you both free.

4 Comments:

Anonymous ito said...

But until that freedom heals and makes you sort of new again it still hurts. Some scars don't show eh?

9:08 AM  
Blogger Embee said...

I didn't know what to say without sounding either patronizing or overly-sympathizing - which I'm sure are not the reasons why you wrote this. I loved reading every bit of it though..

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Miki said...

Very well written and well put. Relationships, huh? I look forward to the book!

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i came across this blog by accident. something very similar happened to me many years ago, and i know exactly what you mean about the amazing connection between two people that is neither friendship nor love, anyway, my 'friend' is dead now... but it was the best thing that happened in my life, even though there were ups and downs like those described, and i feel that a part of me is missing, sorry if that sounds overdramatic, but that's the only way to describe it.

10:09 PM  

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