Saturday, March 15, 2008

The window of opprutunity

People tell me that I am impatient, and they are not wrong.

The problem lies, I think, in the fact that I am a classic textbook Gemini through and through, which means that I am an ADD head Borderline-Asshole who is constantly seeking excitement and stimulation, and who is thoroughly fascinated and in love with himself. People don’t get that, and that last part always gets them confused, even though I can explain it time and time again: “I am in love with me. I think I am the best thing since sliced bread. I would rather hang out all by myself than with 90% of the people in my facebook friends list. I value myself and I value my time greatly, so don’t you dare waste it.”

Yep, that’s the attitude.

So the way it works in relationships and friendships is as follows: I decide that I like you, that you would make fun and worthy company, so I contact you and put in the effort to actually hang out with you. That- due to my massive ego that y’all love to reference so much- takes so much from me personally, that when I do it, I expect nothing less than an enthusiastic response from those I reach out to. I expect that mainly because I don’t seek the company of many (it's usually otehrs who seek my company), so if I am trying to hang out with someone, it’s because I believe them to be something interesting, special, above the fray so to speak. And I expect them to have the intelligence to get that.

What they don’t get, however, is that I am not going to wait on them forever. The moment I open up to having you as part of my life, you are granted-in my view- a window of opportunity not granted for many. That window has both a time & effort limit, and if the person exhausted either one of their limits, I immediately get bored with them and never bother with them again. And while you may think of that as awfully ego-centric or whatever, it’s just simply how I operate, which is why I keep trying to get them to jump on that bandwagon. And that’s when people accuse me of being impatient. But it’s not that, I try to explain, I just don’t want to get bored with you, because the moment I do, it’s like an automatic system shutdown towards that person. I may meet them, they may get me to talk and respond and even joke around, but I am simply not there. I am not engaged, even if I would like to be. It’s like I am done with that person forever, and there are no second chances or reprieves.

And it drives me crazy.

It drives me crazy because some of those people I would’ve actually liked to keep around and care about, especially that I only emotionally invest myself in so few people, and then due to whatever reason (they are busy, they are playing hard to get, they have intimacy issues, they might just not like me, etc..) that person my have, I find that the effort I put in isn’t reciprocated the same way, so I immediately start to do two things simultaneously 1) start to distance myself from them with less phone calls, chats or meet-ups and 2) when I do try to reach them in order to do things, I am more insistent than usual, mainly because deep inside I know that if this goes on for a few more days, the window of opportunity will automatically shut itself, and no power in the universe can convince me to bother with that person ever again. I don’t do chases. Games bore the shit out of me. I adore simplicity. But that’s me, and apparently people like me aren’t that common anymore.

So yes, I know I am frustrating at times. I know I am slightly cuckoo about this specific issue, but at least I know it and I try to remedy it. This is part of the process. I am letting you know so you can understand.

That is all!


Blogger Ajnabiya said...

Wow can I totally relate. I hate myself for being this way, and I often drive people away with my intensity. You put something into words that I have never been able to explain...

3:22 PM  
Blogger Seneferu said...

Unfortunate, yet practical; commendable for the latter and moving on, doing more important things and not wasting any extra time, but unfortunate if it's too stern and forever irrevokable as you describe. Conundrum, but maybe there's a middle ground; temporary hibernation yet not total freezing off?

5:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL again
Isn't this an old-fashioned American/British perspective??
I so understand your dillema, perceptive, creative men give up too easily

12:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

an absolute tosser! refreshingly real, though suspiciously annoying-hmmm....

5:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a fellow Gimini wow u captured many of us out there. I dnt see it as being ego-centric I think we tend to be more practical than others.

8:36 PM  

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