Sunday, December 18, 2005

Can anyone tell me what this dream means?

*This is the dream I had last night. If you have an explanation, please let me know.*

I was at a friend's house, and it was time to go. He tells me that he will drive me home, I refuse, telling him that I will find my own ride. He tells me to watch out though, because "the Iranians are losing it". I nodd my head in agreement as if I know what that means, and I go downstairs.

I am in Egypt, and it looks like the main street that cuts through ghamrah towards the Ain Shams University. Except that there were buildings where the secre-cure school is. The street in fact looked nothing like the main street in ghamrah,with all the shops and lights and cars gone, but somehow I knew that this was it. It was darker though, more gothic, had that Sin City feel to it. And the street was empty.

As I crossed to the other side of the street I realized that there was someone standing there, but behind me, just barely registering in my prepherial vision. It was a woman, she had blone hair. I looked around, and there she was: Marjore. Standing in the street, smiling, and she said to me "I thought you would never come!"

I smiled and moved towards her. We hugged. I asked her what she was doing in Egypt, and in typical marjore fashion she went "Well, ya know, just visit-iiiiiiiing. Sight see-iiing. Doin my thing. Ya know?". I asked her, why didn't she tell me she was coming, she tells me "I wanted to make it a surprise!" smilingly. So I ask her, what now? and she says:

"Now we are going to a first class bar so we can party. And you are taking me!"

It sounds like a good idea, so I agree, and I start waving to stop the upcoming taxicab. It stops, the guy gets out, and starts running. Marjore gets in the backseat and I look at the car and realize that this is not a Taxi at all. It's a black Mercedes with diplomatic plates saying that it belongs to the iranian embassy. I get inside the backseat next to marj saying "This is all wrong!", but before I can do anything the doors are closed and two figures jump in the front seats. Eblis was one of them, and he was the one who sat in the driver seat.

"Ready to go, Sam?" he says to me with a smile. Before I say anything he puts his foot on the paddle and starts driving really fast. I start to object: "But this isn't our car Eblis. This car doesn't belong to us. The Police will come after us. We need to get out now."

He smiles at me, and the car going so fast it jumps as we are agoing up a bridge and it slams to the ground at the other side, screeching and halting somewhere over the sidewalk. But this sidewalk is weird because it had huge holes in it. More like Sqaures, and they had a pattern. It was like we were parked on a giant waffle, only granite-colored.

And the police sirens start wailing.

Eblis points towards the sirens direction, and we can see one police car coming our way, lights flashing and everything. We agree that's it's time to go, and we get out of the car and leave, but not before I notice that there was this other older woman now, dressed in white and has dark brown hair, sitting in the backseat. She was weeping. Somehow I knew that it was because this was her car, and she went to a place that she didn't want to go because we took her there. But it doesn't matter, because we leave anyway, towards the end of the street. That's where the light is coming from.

We walk hastily in that direction, but we are not exactly running, nor are we worried about the police anymore. We are heading towards a doorway, where people are coming and going, and on our way to it we see this other opening on our right. There is light there too, but it's a dead end, with 3 people, 2 guys and a girl, dressed in Pijamas, were sitting there playing with dolls. They ask us to come in and join them. Something feels wrong about them, so we say no and go on our way to pass the door, which is 2 feet away now.

As I walk through the doorway I see Yara walking out and with Sally in her hand. I wave hi to them and ask them why they are leaving. Sally looks at me and tells me :"It's not our kind of party. Where you are going you won't find us."She then gives me a weak smile and keeps on walking behind Yara.

I can see that the 3 people I am with have taken this door on the left, and I intended to follow them but people from my past kept coming from my right and saying hi to me. First it was Stacey and Cindy, whom I both greeted and then came Kev with Karen and John behind him. Kev was extra friendly with me, kissing me on both cheeks and taking his time. It felt very weird. But I ignored him cause I was happy to see Karen. Karen didn't seem that happy to see me.

I asked her what was wrong, and she tells me with a sardonic smile "After those pictures You took, it's really great being your friend. Really!". I tell her that I don't understand and she looks at me as if I have 4 eyes and then walks away after giving me a kiss on the cheek. She then dissappears and suddenly I am alone again. I decide it was time I took that door on the left and see where Marj and the boys have gone.

That hallway i stepped into was a complete change of scenery. It wasn't old and gothic and dark like everything else. It was new, new-age industrial, metally and shiny. There was light everywhere and everything was made out of blue and silver Metal, but nobody there but Marj, standing alone, smoking a ciggarette. I ask her what's going on.

"We are at the place. This is where we will party. This is where we will dance."

I look around, and i am again confirmed that we are alone. I tell her that.

"But nothing is here. No one is here."

"It doesn't matter", she said, "You are going to dance anyway."

She then puffs the smoke in my face....

and I wake up in cold sweat.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Just think about it!

Discouragement is dissatisfaction with the past, distaste for the present, and distrust of the future. It is ingratitude for the blessings of yesterday, indifference to the opportunities of today, and insecurity of the strength of tomorrow. It is unawareness of the presence of beauty, unconcern for the needs of our fellow man, and disbelief in the promises of old. It is impatience with time, immaturity of thought, and impoliteness to God.

Dr. William A Ward

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Give me something

My lifelong problem is that I am greedy, or at least I haven't found a better word to describe that feeling more accurately. Let me try to elaborate so you can get what I am talking about here. It's as simple as this: I always feel as if I never get what I want, but I always get what I need. And while that's better than nothing, the fact that this keeps on repeating- especially at inappropriate times- pisses me the fuck off.

Wait, I can be clearer.

Imagine that you went to a place for lunch, where they promised you the perfect pizza. That sounds great to you, especially that you are famished. The Pizza arrives, and while it's not bad, it's not the "perfect pizza". You eat it begrudgingly, pissed off that your expectations are shot to shit, but it's not exactly bad to the point where you wouldn't finish eating it, and when you are done eating it, you are no longer hungry. The Problem is solved, you got what you needed, but you can't help but feel cheated.

That has been my feeling all of my life: I always feel cheated.

Perfect example is my life right now: For the past year I have been feeling utterly helpless to do anything to change my life to the better on my own. My salary, while large by egyptian standards, is not enough for me to build my future with. My friends offerd no solace since they are all a bunch of spoiled self-involved brats whose biggest concern is in appearing in the next magazine and their biggest topic of discussion is the detailed list of why the Cairo Jazz Club is no longer "in". The Blogsphere offerd no escape nor solace either, since it has become so clique-y and there is so much in-fighting and resentment issues to an embaressing degree that is unseen in any of the other middle-east blogspheres. And while my other blog is successfull, writing it has been doing nothing but depress me lately. I laugh at how fucked the world is, but I can't help but feel utterly horrified at where we are heading, and how there seems no escape from the madness anywhere. The women in my life this past year were no help either, falling into one of 4 categories: psycho, fake, slutty, or plain emotionally unstable. But at the same time they amused me greatly and gave me something to help distract me from the monotony of living in the real world, but at times it was a cure that was worse of the disease. I haven't exactly been lonely at all, but I sometimes wonder if loneliness was such a bad alternative to the psycho circus that has been my love life for a good part of last year.

And then I made up my mind. That's it. I am going back to the states. I've had enough.

So I went and bought a ticket, and then suddenly everything changed.

Suddenly my love life was no longer filled with craziness, but with the love of a woman whose heart is so warm it scares me.

Suddenly money is no longer an issue for the most part. Some came my way and I am making more everyday.

Suddenly my shitty friends are gone and I have people who aren't campaigning to be posterboys/girls to the mentally challanged and whose company I actually enjoy.

And now everything is complicated again...

Had I decided to leave by June, then I would've left happily. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. This is no longer the case. Now I have a lot of things to lose. Now my life is not that bad at all. I am not satisfied, but I am not as miserable as I once was either. Things are ok. I can even claim that they are good.


Add to that the fact that if I leave and things work out I won't be coming back for a long long time, and factor in the possible death of not 1 but 2 really close family members in the near future that, if I leave, I won't attend to or be there for and you have an inkling of a feeling of what I am dealing with emotionally.

Now let's run down the list, shall we:

If I leave now, I have to 1) destroy a relationship in which I am happy, 2) leave a job, that let's face it, requires nothing of me but pays me anyway, 3) Know that I won't be there for my Aunt and my Granny in their final days and 4) Feel like a coward for a long time to come for leaving Egypt and running away when it needs people like me to fight the flood of islamization that is about to sweep this country and sink it even further. That's the stuff in the negative column.

In the positive column of leaving, there the fact that 1) Me and the girl's relationship are doomed anyway, and the sooner it's destroyed the better for everyone involved, 2) The job I am leaving sucks anyway, and it would free me to pursue what I need to pursue, 3) It's not like my being there to grief is going to help things any and 4) I know that no matter what I do or say, I won't make a shitlick of a difference in this country and the state of entropy that is bound to ensue. Add to that the fact that I am getting really comfortable and that if I don't leave soon I never will , and you have an idea of why I am continuing to move forward with my leaving plans. I am looking for something to be.

But I still feel cheated.

I feel cheated because my life didn't get good here until I decided to leave. I feel cheated because suddenly I need to contemplate and ramble on in regards to something that was a no-brainer a few months ago. I feel cheated because I was told of my aunt's cancer, while she still hasn't been, and I have to pretend to be ok and joke with her, before bolting to my room and not spending time with her because I can't keep up the act for long and yet there is nothing I can do about it. I feel cheated because suddenly everything is messy, muddy, and nothing is black & white clear as it used to be, and that is happening right before I take such a life-changing decision.

I don't have what I want here, but now I am starting to get what I need, and I can't help but wonder if it's wise to throw it all away for the sake of the dream that kept me going for the past year. The dream of going back to my life before I came back. A world where my family's name doesn't matter, my family's social class doesn't matter, my religion doesn't matter. All that matters is what kind of head I have on my shoulder, and how hard I am willing to work to get what I want in life and how good I treat the people around me. That's what the US represents to me. Getting my piece of that famous dream, you know?


But I can't help but fear that I am chasing a mirage though. That this is my life now, for better or worse. Just Get used to it. Get over it. Grow Up.

Give up is more like it!

Oh well...