Monday, October 10, 2005

Fear

I care about her. I care about her a lot.

I don't want to hurt her.

She trusts me so much. It has been a long time since someone handed me their heart on a platter the way she has. And that scares me even more, because the last time that happend, people got hurt. And I don't want to hurt her.

What scares me even more is that I know that it will end. It will end too soon. It has to end, for so many reasons. I know it. She knows it. She accepts it. She even said that I was a person worth having her heart broken for. Me. I am worth that.

When I see the look in her eyes. The way she sees me. The way she cares. The reflection of me in her eyes; that person that i know can not be me, because i am not that wonderful or beautiful or good. I know that for a fact. I know how ugly I could get. I tell her that. I warn her repeatedly that I am not the kind to be trusted. That i am no different than any other male asshole out there. That I could hurt her badly. I tell her all that, half begging she would run away and half hoping she wouldn't. And she hears it all and she doesn't run away. She stays.

She trusts me. She put her faith in me. She believes in the goodness inside me. That i wouldn't hurt her or betray her like that. Despite all the reasons why she should be fearing me, why she should be shielding herself, protecting herself, building up walls around herself so that I wouldn't hurt her the way I hurt those before her. All of that doesn't phase her. She said she saw my soul and that my soul is good, despite all the things I have done/did/plan on doing. She is the first girl, in god knows how many, who isn't attracted to me because i am cocky or a "bad boy" or dangerous or evil. The first girl in forever who looks past the image, the hide, the mask that covers me and protects me from the rotten evil world that surrounds me. I am not on survival mode when i am around her. I don't distrust her. I don't second-guess her. And I never really question her motives. When i am with her, i am at ease. I am at home. I feel protected.

I feel happy.

And that's what terrifies me the most.

9 Comments:

Blogger Eve said...

You think too much.
If you're happy now why are you troubeling your head with a futur you can't control?

Carpe Diem, Sam.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Me said...

Thank you for caring so much, for being there, for being you
You'll always be beautiful to my eyes, you know that..
God, I'm speechless

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that its all very beautiful. Very Beautiful.
Marmar

12:26 AM  
Anonymous I know you both ;o) said...

I think that you are lucky to find someone with whom you could really be yourself...
From what I see, you wouldn't really hurt her on purpose, and I know that she is ready to have her heart broke when it's over... You'd be worth it ya SAM... you know why? because you are making her happy!
I know that because I knew her before she met you... you made a difference... big enough to show on her face!
She is lucky to have you too.

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This sounds like something to treasure and build up, not something to tear down and abandon. So, why does this have to follow the same path as the ones before? What are we really here for, but to be constantly learning, changing, and improving ourselves and the way we treat others. Our time here is all about the journey. The journey is much sweeter when you can share it with someone you genuinely trust and care about.

Shari

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is all this "power of love" shit. No offense to you ladies who have responded here - but get a serious life. Did you read this post? She doesn't like me because I'm cocky blah blah blah - she's handing me her heart on a platter - blah blah blah - anyone who really had feelings like that wouldn't post them on the internet. No way would he feel that way about you if he was planning on staying - guarantee. The freedom of knowing it will be over allows him to feel that way - not TRAPPED. Takes one to know one (You all need a serious dose of reality here)

8:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous,

You're right. Women tend to look for the positive side in love and romance. However, you've already closed the door.....permanently, which seems rather negative. What if he does expect it to end and moves on, only to find the new ladies come up short in comparison to the special qualities he's seen in her?

It happened to me. I moved on looking for what I thought I wanted, only to discover the others didn't measure up in the ways that really counted. He also moved on to another relationship. But, we were both unhappy, until we got back together. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary and I can't imagine loving anyone more.

Shari

9:21 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

it's nice to know u've found someone u enjoy nuff said

8:20 PM  
Anonymous merrooo said...

i know her and i should tell you how happy she is now and how much she changed.
it's life you understand it gives us what it'll take away.but don't worry both of you

2:18 AM  

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