Sunday, October 02, 2005

All good things come in threes

There is this guy at work whose wife just had triplets.3 Children. At the same. One right after the other. I keep getting this image of a Pez Dispenser whenever I think of it. Or one of those Tennis-ball-spitting-machines. It's all very mentally disturbing to me Image –wise, I don’t know why!

However, the dude, a first time father, now has 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. People at work are calling it a miracle from God. I tend to call it a miracle from Pfizer. And it seems that I have it right: This doctor they went to was concerned that they may not have babies, so he gave them this drug, and Viola: Triplets. And all they wanted was one kid. All they planned on was one kid. Thanks modern science for fucking people over again. Thanks a lot.

And while they say all good things come in threes, the same doesn’t apply to children, cause , you see, kids cost money. He has to feed them, cloths them, buy baby food, toys and diapers, never sleep from all the crying they will subject him to. And then, and then they go to school. And since it’s Egypt, they have to go to a private school, which is expensive, multiply by 3, add tutoring expenses, new cloths, books, school supplies, more food, more toys, and never even mind high school, cars, college or getting married. ahhhh, the mind reels.

So, all of us at my company have collected money amongst ourselves and gave it to him, a way to congratulate him for "god's gift" to him, and a way to tell him that we know how fucked he will be. He joked how he will probably need us to make this a monthly habit. Ha, half what's said in jest, right? Fuck him. He ain't getting no more money from me to support his spawns. No one told him to take fertility drugs that moron. Personal responsibility motherfucker. You get no sympathy from me.

Actually, what he keeps getting from me is increased hostility. Everyday now I go to him and instead of saying good morning I am like "3? 3 fuckin kids? What the fuck is wrong with you? Isn’t the country overpopulated enough you bastard? Does the morgue need anymore dead bodies?", followed by a warning from me that he shouldn't even Kiss his wife any time soon, let alone fuck her. I tell him that he should probably keep his distance and just waive hi to her once a day from across the apartment and then proceed to sleep on the couch. Not even holding hands is allowed. You never know with a woman like that. She is giving the Napa valley a run for its money when it comes to fertility. You know?

Triplets. Jesus.


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