Sunday, December 11, 2005

Give me something

My lifelong problem is that I am greedy, or at least I haven't found a better word to describe that feeling more accurately. Let me try to elaborate so you can get what I am talking about here. It's as simple as this: I always feel as if I never get what I want, but I always get what I need. And while that's better than nothing, the fact that this keeps on repeating- especially at inappropriate times- pisses me the fuck off.

Wait, I can be clearer.

Imagine that you went to a place for lunch, where they promised you the perfect pizza. That sounds great to you, especially that you are famished. The Pizza arrives, and while it's not bad, it's not the "perfect pizza". You eat it begrudgingly, pissed off that your expectations are shot to shit, but it's not exactly bad to the point where you wouldn't finish eating it, and when you are done eating it, you are no longer hungry. The Problem is solved, you got what you needed, but you can't help but feel cheated.

That has been my feeling all of my life: I always feel cheated.

Perfect example is my life right now: For the past year I have been feeling utterly helpless to do anything to change my life to the better on my own. My salary, while large by egyptian standards, is not enough for me to build my future with. My friends offerd no solace since they are all a bunch of spoiled self-involved brats whose biggest concern is in appearing in the next magazine and their biggest topic of discussion is the detailed list of why the Cairo Jazz Club is no longer "in". The Blogsphere offerd no escape nor solace either, since it has become so clique-y and there is so much in-fighting and resentment issues to an embaressing degree that is unseen in any of the other middle-east blogspheres. And while my other blog is successfull, writing it has been doing nothing but depress me lately. I laugh at how fucked the world is, but I can't help but feel utterly horrified at where we are heading, and how there seems no escape from the madness anywhere. The women in my life this past year were no help either, falling into one of 4 categories: psycho, fake, slutty, or plain emotionally unstable. But at the same time they amused me greatly and gave me something to help distract me from the monotony of living in the real world, but at times it was a cure that was worse of the disease. I haven't exactly been lonely at all, but I sometimes wonder if loneliness was such a bad alternative to the psycho circus that has been my love life for a good part of last year.

And then I made up my mind. That's it. I am going back to the states. I've had enough.

So I went and bought a ticket, and then suddenly everything changed.

Suddenly my love life was no longer filled with craziness, but with the love of a woman whose heart is so warm it scares me.

Suddenly money is no longer an issue for the most part. Some came my way and I am making more everyday.

Suddenly my shitty friends are gone and I have people who aren't campaigning to be posterboys/girls to the mentally challanged and whose company I actually enjoy.

And now everything is complicated again...

Had I decided to leave by June, then I would've left happily. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. This is no longer the case. Now I have a lot of things to lose. Now my life is not that bad at all. I am not satisfied, but I am not as miserable as I once was either. Things are ok. I can even claim that they are good.

FUCK! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Add to that the fact that if I leave and things work out I won't be coming back for a long long time, and factor in the possible death of not 1 but 2 really close family members in the near future that, if I leave, I won't attend to or be there for and you have an inkling of a feeling of what I am dealing with emotionally.

Now let's run down the list, shall we:

If I leave now, I have to 1) destroy a relationship in which I am happy, 2) leave a job, that let's face it, requires nothing of me but pays me anyway, 3) Know that I won't be there for my Aunt and my Granny in their final days and 4) Feel like a coward for a long time to come for leaving Egypt and running away when it needs people like me to fight the flood of islamization that is about to sweep this country and sink it even further. That's the stuff in the negative column.

In the positive column of leaving, there the fact that 1) Me and the girl's relationship are doomed anyway, and the sooner it's destroyed the better for everyone involved, 2) The job I am leaving sucks anyway, and it would free me to pursue what I need to pursue, 3) It's not like my being there to grief is going to help things any and 4) I know that no matter what I do or say, I won't make a shitlick of a difference in this country and the state of entropy that is bound to ensue. Add to that the fact that I am getting really comfortable and that if I don't leave soon I never will , and you have an idea of why I am continuing to move forward with my leaving plans. I am looking for something to be.

But I still feel cheated.

I feel cheated because my life didn't get good here until I decided to leave. I feel cheated because suddenly I need to contemplate and ramble on in regards to something that was a no-brainer a few months ago. I feel cheated because I was told of my aunt's cancer, while she still hasn't been, and I have to pretend to be ok and joke with her, before bolting to my room and not spending time with her because I can't keep up the act for long and yet there is nothing I can do about it. I feel cheated because suddenly everything is messy, muddy, and nothing is black & white clear as it used to be, and that is happening right before I take such a life-changing decision.

I don't have what I want here, but now I am starting to get what I need, and I can't help but wonder if it's wise to throw it all away for the sake of the dream that kept me going for the past year. The dream of going back to my life before I came back. A world where my family's name doesn't matter, my family's social class doesn't matter, my religion doesn't matter. All that matters is what kind of head I have on my shoulder, and how hard I am willing to work to get what I want in life and how good I treat the people around me. That's what the US represents to me. Getting my piece of that famous dream, you know?

But..

But I can't help but fear that I am chasing a mirage though. That this is my life now, for better or worse. Just Get used to it. Get over it. Grow Up.

Give up is more like it!

Oh well...

8 Comments:

Anonymous Me said...

Don't give up, never give up!
Trying to keep you here is like clipping your wings off when you're truly destined to fly. You know it and I know it too. Always look forward and go ahead. And be sure that you'll always have a place here if you change your plans, because you never lose those who really love you.
Now about that greedy part, I think you're wrong, I'll just call you a perfectionist fighting for a just cause! You're just Awesome!

4:41 AM  
Anonymous brenda said...

Come back. Egypt will be there for you later if you want to go home. I think you should expand your horizons while you have the chance. I wish I had done more of that when I was younger.

6:57 AM  
Blogger Crazy Girl said...

All I can say that's exactly what I did. I wanted more and I couldn't take living in Egypt anymore. I hated how women were treated and life there was all about money and I hated teacher's cursing America.. I hated not being respected because I was an American girl.. I wanted out and I did just that..
I just finsihed my damn IGCSE and it was November and I had to wait before I could go to Uni the next yeat so I went with my mom to the states to see my grandma and family here. Well I had a plan and I stayed..
To me it seems like everything has a cost.. I chose to come back so I lost my father.. The man that made wealth secured our future took care or us.. Gone and my last words to him was how I hated Egypt and I was never coming back.. And the next day.. He literally dropped dead in front of his whole family non the less on a Friday in the middle of ramadan..
Well I don't mean to be depressing but that's life some times. I finished Uni and started working for the gov.. Here pay sucks life is boring, Than after uni I went back to Egypt got engaged and life started to fall into place but I felt something was missing. I wasn't following my dreams so I came back.. Now I want to go back...

I know I'm rambling but there is a point here. I followed my dreams no matter what it cost me but I think that's the only way I could ever lean anything. I have a thick head and things don't sink in easily. Now I know whare I want to be and what I want to do with my life, I now know there are going to be things I cant change or control.. I just need to be happy with myself and try and make a difference where it matters, with myself and the ones I want in my life. I'm a very indecisive person and I want so much and I want to do it all myself..but Im learning I'm 24 now and there is only so much one person can do,

It might be good for you to come back to the states but of course there might be a cost to you loosing your family members and all..But it might help you figure out what's right for you. Just know working life is not like college life...Love comes and goes.. but if its real love it will be there forever... If my ex loved me enough he would have let me go with out and making me choose.

12:26 PM  
Blogger egyptiansally said...

i'll give you the advice you usually give me: leave egypt. the what might have been will always plague you if you don't pursue your dreams in the U.S.

8:28 AM  
Anonymous toschrist said...

Leaving at a time to pursue your dreams is the best time to make you leave your comfort zone.I come from a closely knited family from Singapore where 'the family' is suppose to rate No.1 in your life.Family involvement is everywhere that sometimes it can get stifling.I am now studying in Australia and even though my singaporean aunt provides me a roof over my head,she has been tormenting me with her moodswings.My grandparents are both 80 and i just adore them,but they understand that going to Australia is a chance for me to pursue my dreams,etc.I hope that you can understand that your loved ones will want you to be happy.If you do not pursue your dreams now,you will come to regret it when the chance and time has passed for it to happen. I wish you all the best:)
P.S. I love both of your blogs:) They really kick some ass!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Caroline said...

I came across your blog and felt compelled to comment to what you wrote. I want to start by telling you that there is a thin line that distinguishes between our wants and our needs. I think what you label as things you want may be exactly what you need, so don’t discount them.

I believe you said it yourself, if you stay in Egypt, it will be like you are settling and following the easy path, and if you come back to the US, you will be pursuing your dreams and living a life that is of your choosing. Don't settle. I think what’s really holding you back is that you are getting accustomed to the comfortable and if I may assume leisurely life that you are living. I especially don't think that a girlfriend that you admittedly believe has no potential is a determinant. Think of what’s important to you, your comfort or your self-actualization? good luck and rabena ma3ak!

12:10 AM  
Anonymous Paul said...

Friend no man can figure a woman out and we both know it !

5:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stay for the family. Leave after you've made your peace with your family. Go back when you must. Be real with yourself.

12:11 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home