Suffer the little Bastards

I don’t like children. There, I said it. It feels good to say it, especially since we live in a society that seemingly worships those little hell spawns. I have good reasons not to like the little critters: They are enforcing their agenda on me, and devaluing my way of life, and I will no longer stand quietly by and watch it. I am gonna say something about it. Children suck. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. You are just too scared to admit it in public. Nope, not me. I will say it: I’ve had it up to here with your kids and I will not be silent any more about it.

You may ask yourselves: what does he have against children? Ohh, lordy, where do I begin? First of all, they are not as cute as you think they are. Actually, most of them are rather ugly and unpleasant looking. And they smell. I hate to tell you this, but they do. Like a mixture of Johnson baby lotion and poop. It’s very lovely.

Secondly, they are grossly irresponsible, with the running out into the streets without looking, going off with disreputable strangers and tying up the police force in fruitless searches, spreading disease with their dirty hands and mouths. They are little menacing creatures and they make the life of the rest of us adults hellish. It takes a village to raise a child you say? That’s just a saying dear. Us other villagers are busy.

Third of all, they are annoying. They yell all the time, they like to go into ridiculously long crying and screaming fits whenever you tell them to do something they don’t like, and they also seem to have a general affinity for exhibiting such obnoxious behavior in Movie theatres and in restaurants when I am there, and their parents always seem powerless to stop them. And yet they exhibit very outworldy hostility when I volunteer my services to shut their kids up or yell at them for them. I am sorry, but they are ruining my dinner. Please take them outside until they calm down or pass out from low sugar blood count. Just don’t give me the “What-do-you-want-me-to-do-they-are-children” hostile look of yours. It doesn’t work on me. I am neither intimidated, nor do I particularly care that they are children who don’t know any better. Cockroaches probably don’t know any better, but I still kill them because they are dirty, annoying and just happen to be in my immediate surrounding. Get the hint?

Despite all of my hatred to children, I know that they are a red herring and not really the source of my annoyance. The sad truth is that children aren’t really the problem: It’s their parents. In reality, children are pretty immobile and useless: they can’t drive, so they can’t get anywhere far; they don’t work, so they have no money to spend on cabs. Left alone, children can’t do much damage outside their immediate surrounding, which is a good thing I believe. Let them annoy the bastards who brought them to our world; They deserve to be punished for it. I mean of all of the things to do, to bring a child to this horrible war and disease infested world is an act of sheer idiocy and selfishness, if not absolute evil. Although to be fair, most of those bastards who are called parents never really think their actions through, otherwise I am sure they wouldn’t have done what they did. After all, most of them have kids by pure accident: the man will be in the mood, the woman won’t mind getting some and the box of durex was empty. Next thing you know: Voila, a baby. Just think of all the jerks that the world would be free off if their parents just took a cold shower instead of making the beast with 2 backs. Makes me want to weep. Anyway..

So the poor bastards become expecting parents, and then society does that whole fake thing where everyone pretends to be excited for the couple, while in reality they are happy that they are not the only ones who got screwed by having kids. The parents also get excited and start planning for the children’s future and the baby names and all that cutsey stuff that makes me want to heave and which ends with a night of (literally) bloody screaming in a hospital room, followed by the screaming of their little parasite coming out of its happy nest where it fed off the wife to this world where it will proceed to suck them both dry for the rest of their lives. Then the truth hits them: their lives are over and they have this annoying needy living thing that won’t give them a moment’s rest. And that’s when they turn evil: Instead of doing the responsible thing and keep their misery to themselves, they instead try to share it with everyone around them by taking their kids everywhere. Mind you, they are the ones who made the choice to validate their worthless and empty existence by spawning and yet have no problem making the rest of us suffer for it. Evil, I tell you.

I find no better example of this evil behavior than the many times my sister chose to inconvenience my peace and quiet by bringing her children over and refusing to watch them, citing some ambiguous bullshit duty- to which I am not getting paid- that I suddenly had as their Uncle to watch over them for her. She watches them all the time and she is tired, she would whine. Oh, tough cookies. You chose to have them, you watch over them. Not my problem Sistah. Sorrryyy.

Or the many times when I call a friend who has kids or just recently had one and they insist on me talking to their child on the phone. I really don’t get this one. Seriously. The kid is like 6 months old, he can’t even say Dada and you put him on the phone with me? What’s the point? You know he won’t say anything even remotely decipherable and I will be left feeling like an idiot on the other side pretending to try to converse with it while I am dying of boredom inside. You are wasting my money here people. Those phone calls are not cheap, and my money doesn’t grow on trees. I am calling you for a reason, and unless it’s to hear your kids guttural voices, KEEP THEM OFF THE PHONE.

But nothing, nothing supercedes the annoyance of having you bastards dragging your kids with you on airplanes. That’s the one thing I can not forgive you parents for: the annoying screaming of your child on the plane, right behind my ears, while I am trying to get some sleep. As if it wasn’t hard enough to sleep on those modern torture devices they call airplane seats, you chose to inconvenience me more by bringing your scream machine on board. Thanks a lot. Can you explain to me why exactly did you feel the need to bring your child with you on this trip? Are you moving to another country? Does it have a terminal disease that requires medical attention in another country? No? Neither one of those? You are on vacation you say? Well, then WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE THEM HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS YOU MORONS? That’s what Grand parents are for people: taking care of your kids while you are away. Your kids don’t need to travel with you. It’s an unnecessary expense and a responsibility, the exact 2 things you don’t want on your vacation. So what were you thinking? Or has “being stupid” become a fashionable life-style choice for you?

And if it’s not enough that I have to be inconvenienced due to your irresponsible irrational decision to take your kids with you, the airlines seem to want to encourage your kind of behavior by rewarding it: THEY LET YOU BOARD FIRST. Yes, because what I really want to be greeted with while I walk to my seat is the sound of your kid screaming while running throughout the plane. Oh, what a cheerful sight. I am sorry, but they should only pr-board people who are maimed, disabled or sick. Having a child with you while traveling-while a retarded decision-is not a disability, nor should it be treated as such. Such moronic behavior shouldn’t be rewarded, period. They are the ones burdening the rest of us with their annoying and needy children; they don’t deserve our sympathy: They deserve to be punished.

So I propose that they shouldn’t be allowed to board early, or even during regular boarding time: they should board last, after the rest of us non-annoying people are seated and situated and even had a drink or two to help alleviate the stress of having them on the same plane with us. They should then get escorted to their seats in a sound-proof section at the end of the plane, away from the rest of us, where they can enjoy inflicting their misery on people of their kind. Until such sections on the planes are developed by the Airplane companies (Please Boeing, I beg you), I have a perfect little solution to that little annoying problem you call your runt: sedation. Kids should be immediately sedated the moment they are on the plane, so that they can fall asleep and we can all get through the trip without incident. And to cover the cost of sedation ( drugs are expensive, just take my word for it) , the parents shouldn’t be served any food, but should be welcome to scavenge the trays for the food leftovers of non-annoying adults. After all, we are reasonable people here, and we don’t want you to starve to death and leave us the responsibility of taking care of your little creatures. We just want to encourage you to keep them at home, and persuade you not to have any more. We have enough idiots running amok all over the world, thank you very much, and we don’t need any more, especially from your gene pool. So please, be a responsible adult and stop reproducing: it’s what’s best for the planet.