So a family member gets cancer...

I just discoverd today that my aunt has cancer. She has it in her bones. My father told me. The only people who know about it are my dad, me, my other aunt and my cancer-ridden aunt's son, my cousin. He is a doctor and he is the one who found out from the tests they conducted when she reported having back pains. My Aunt- his mother- doesn't know she has anything beyoned back-pain. Her cancer is probably incureable and she will die. He has to pretend every day to be completly normal around her, while he cries himself to sleep every night. The same applies to my other aunt who knows that her sister's days are numberd and who goes with her to the hospital for the tests she is conducting for her "back-pain". My aunt is dying and she doesn't know.

She is not the only one in the dark mind you: another aunt exists who can not be told, because she will probably get a heart-attack or tell my grandmother, who will most deifntely get a heart attack and die from hearing this news. My other cousins don't know as well, because we figure there is no reason to spread the misery around. Not to mention, the more who know the more likely they will tell her. And they don't want to tell her because they are afraid the shock may kill her on the spot or at least kill her spirit, and you want her in high spirits if there is a way to beat this thing as we all hope. But it's a fanatsy, we know this too. We know she is dying by the minute and she doesn't know. But we do.

Now, here is the question: Should we tell her at all? If you had such a terminal disease, that will kill you in a matter of months and to which has no cure, would you want to know? Would you really? I mean, we are all in the nihilistic sense dying by the minute, but we always assume we have time, because no one really knows when they will die. Except people with terminal illness. They get a time-table. An approximate deadline. You have about 6 months and then you will be gone. You will never see a loved one again. You will never get to see the wedding of that grandchild of yours. Hell, you won't even get to watch him/her reach 18. Would you want to know that your time is almost up while there is still so much to do and experience? Would that help in any way, to know that every passing day brings you closer to an end that you did not expect for at least another decade? Is that how you want to spend your last months on earth? Just knowing you will die soon and you are just waiting for it, with everyone around you giving you those looks of pity and loss through their tear-filled eyes?? Is that how you want to live your last months on the planet?

I don't know. I wouldn't want that. I know she has the right to know, but I am not sure it would be beneficial in any way for her to exercise that right. If anything, I don't want to be the person who tells her, nor would I want to see how she would look like after she finds out, because I know I won't be able to help crying while holding her and wishing she didn't have to die so soon. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. I wouldn't want to do that to her. I wouldn't want to depress her like that. I wouldn't want that to be the way I spend her last days with her.

But the alternative is torture. To know that someone you love is dying by the minute, while they don't know. To watch them go through their daily lives, making plans and having hopes, while you know- YOU KNOW- that they probably won't live to see any of those plans come to fruition. To pretend to be normal around them, to joke with them about their back pain, to pretend not to know that within a few months her whole body will be ravaged by a merciless killer of a disease and there is aboslutely nothing you can do to stop it. Aghhhhhhhhh.... I can't decide which is worse.

It doesn't matter anyway. She is dying and there is nothing no one can do about it. That's all there is to it.

Sigh...

the dog will not leave the porch

*This post is copied from Pamela's blog. I liked it that much, because I can relate to what she is talking about.*

There's a point, on a bad day, where you make calls. You make a stab at making plans because you don't want to be alone. Enough time goes by, and that desire passes. You find yourself hoping no one calls back because the thought of having to open your mouth and make conversation becomes overwhelming. You don't want to hear one more person say, What's wrong? So then you isolate. And sink further into your own head --which is the one place no one wants to be. You find yourself watching the clock, wishing for the hours to pass so it can be late enough to justify going to bed. You find yourself dreading bedtime because you probably won't sleep. You dread sleeping just as much. Sleeping means waking up and having to do it all over again.

You understand, intellectually, that nothing is that bad. You understand that many people, people you know and love, are dealing with unspeakable pain. You feel selfish for the way you feel. You can't feel otherwise. The very idea that you might feel good anywhere in the future is nonsense. You make the mistake of letting your mother hear it in your voice. She calls you six times in a day. You want to stop answering. She will worry. And call more. So you answer, and try to make your voice sound otherwise. It's exhausting.

I once heard Padgett Powell describe depression as the dog of loneliness. Others call it the beast. I call it a vicious, never-ending cycle.

So True.

Gotta love the Ladies man

What is love? What is this longing in our heart for togetherness? Is not the sweetest flower of love have the fragrent aroma of fine fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unliken to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand and release the power within yourself. You heard me: release the power and tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy: whip out everything you got and do it in the butt.

The Ladies man

Whedon Wisdom

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

Joss Whedon

Edge

The woman is perfected.
Her dead Body wears the smile of accomplishment,

The illusion of a Greek necessity

Flows in the scrolls of her toga,

Her bare Feet seem to be saying:

We have come so far, it is over.

Sylvia Plath

The Taxi experience

So, you are one of the car-less unfortunate bastards who live in Cairo. Hi, I am one too. Like me you are likely to find the majority of the public-transportation facilities to be, ehh, lacking in them terms of treating its users as fellow human-beings. So you opt for the slightly more appealing experience: Taking a Taxi. But soon after you take one, you will discover to your horror that you just went from the Fire to the frying pan. Too harsh? Stop me when this sounds familiar…

First of all, the majority of taxis in Egypt are cars that are at least 15 years old, which means that they were purchased at a time when seatbelts were considered to be a luxury item in your car, you know, along with power-steering, and air-conditioning. If you can get one of them to stop for you and get you where you want to go (most of them won't), you will experience the ride of a lifetime: The seats are uncomfortable, the space is small, prayers and CD’s hanging next to each other from the rearview mirror, the windows have no handles. Ohh, and the decoration, we can’t forget the decoration. Nothing like a blue strobe light on top of your head, alongside the ice-cream truck tune that the driver set up so it starts every time he hits on the breaks to make your ride fun. And the ride is fun, you know, in an adrenaline-rush-oh-my-god-I-am gonna-die kind of way. The driving is – of course- horrible, and the driver will almost always choose the longest, most traffic packed route he could possibly take. It’s as if he wants you to suffer the discomfort of sitting in his car for the longest time possible.

But see, he doesn’t stop there. He starts to talk to you about the most useless topics (“The Mossad is financing Ruby. She is part of a Zionist conspiracy to make our youth horny and not pray!”), and you feel rude if you don’t converse back or at least nod your head. And if you just keep your mouth shut, the driver will start to punish you by turning the music/the Koran/the latest Amr Khaled tape louder. And if the Koran is playing you don’t dare to tell him to mute it or lower the volume, even if you have a headache, cause how is it possible that recitation of the Koran by some girly-voiced guy that is magnified and distorted horribly at the same time through the driver’s 1970’s speaker system contribute to your headache? Nonsense. But then the driver will start cursing the other drivers with the filthiest insults, while the Koran is playing, and you wonder why the guy has it on if he has such low respect to it. But alas, you just shake your head and let it slide, hoping the ride to be over soon.

And you think when the ride is finally over and you get where you wanted that your troubles are over, but they are not. It’s time to pay him, and there is nothing to end this fun experience like playing Taxi-driver mind-games. They go a little something like this: you will ask him how much he wants (cause the meter is naturally broken) and he will tell you with all sincerity that he will take whatever fare you give him. You will then proceed to give him an amount of money which he will of course deem to be insufficient and ask for at least an extra 5 pounds. And when you ask him why he didn’t just ask for that when you asked him how much the ride was, his response will be "Well, I didn’t want to say it just in case you were going to pay more"! Ohh, so you wanted to rob me? And if robbing is too harsh of a word, well, you wanted to con me? Ok, no problem. But explain to me this you immoral asshole: What the hell is that Koran/ Islamic teaching Tape playing all about then? Do you even listen to it? I am not sure, but I think it's pretty negative on robbing or conning people. I could be wrong, but I doubt it!

I hate Taxis in Egypt.

Suffer the little Bastards

I don’t like children. There, I said it. It feels good to say it, especially since we live in a society that seemingly worships those little hell spawns. I have good reasons not to like the little critters: They are enforcing their agenda on me, and devaluing my way of life, and I will no longer stand quietly by and watch it. I am gonna say something about it. Children suck. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. You are just too scared to admit it in public. Nope, not me. I will say it: I’ve had it up to here with your kids and I will not be silent any more about it.

You may ask yourselves: what does he have against children? Ohh, lordy, where do I begin? First of all, they are not as cute as you think they are. Actually, most of them are rather ugly and unpleasant looking. And they smell. I hate to tell you this, but they do. Like a mixture of Johnson baby lotion and poop. It’s very lovely.

Secondly, they are grossly irresponsible, with the running out into the streets without looking, going off with disreputable strangers and tying up the police force in fruitless searches, spreading disease with their dirty hands and mouths. They are little menacing creatures and they make the life of the rest of us adults hellish. It takes a village to raise a child you say? That’s just a saying dear. Us other villagers are busy.

Third of all, they are annoying. They yell all the time, they like to go into ridiculously long crying and screaming fits whenever you tell them to do something they don’t like, and they also seem to have a general affinity for exhibiting such obnoxious behavior in Movie theatres and in restaurants when I am there, and their parents always seem powerless to stop them. And yet they exhibit very outworldy hostility when I volunteer my services to shut their kids up or yell at them for them. I am sorry, but they are ruining my dinner. Please take them outside until they calm down or pass out from low sugar blood count. Just don’t give me the “What-do-you-want-me-to-do-they-are-children” hostile look of yours. It doesn’t work on me. I am neither intimidated, nor do I particularly care that they are children who don’t know any better. Cockroaches probably don’t know any better, but I still kill them because they are dirty, annoying and just happen to be in my immediate surrounding. Get the hint?

Despite all of my hatred to children, I know that they are a red herring and not really the source of my annoyance. The sad truth is that children aren’t really the problem: It’s their parents. In reality, children are pretty immobile and useless: they can’t drive, so they can’t get anywhere far; they don’t work, so they have no money to spend on cabs. Left alone, children can’t do much damage outside their immediate surrounding, which is a good thing I believe. Let them annoy the bastards who brought them to our world; They deserve to be punished for it. I mean of all of the things to do, to bring a child to this horrible war and disease infested world is an act of sheer idiocy and selfishness, if not absolute evil. Although to be fair, most of those bastards who are called parents never really think their actions through, otherwise I am sure they wouldn’t have done what they did. After all, most of them have kids by pure accident: the man will be in the mood, the woman won’t mind getting some and the box of durex was empty. Next thing you know: Voila, a baby. Just think of all the jerks that the world would be free off if their parents just took a cold shower instead of making the beast with 2 backs. Makes me want to weep. Anyway..

So the poor bastards become expecting parents, and then society does that whole fake thing where everyone pretends to be excited for the couple, while in reality they are happy that they are not the only ones who got screwed by having kids. The parents also get excited and start planning for the children’s future and the baby names and all that cutsey stuff that makes me want to heave and which ends with a night of (literally) bloody screaming in a hospital room, followed by the screaming of their little parasite coming out of its happy nest where it fed off the wife to this world where it will proceed to suck them both dry for the rest of their lives. Then the truth hits them: their lives are over and they have this annoying needy living thing that won’t give them a moment’s rest. And that’s when they turn evil: Instead of doing the responsible thing and keep their misery to themselves, they instead try to share it with everyone around them by taking their kids everywhere. Mind you, they are the ones who made the choice to validate their worthless and empty existence by spawning and yet have no problem making the rest of us suffer for it. Evil, I tell you.

I find no better example of this evil behavior than the many times my sister chose to inconvenience my peace and quiet by bringing her children over and refusing to watch them, citing some ambiguous bullshit duty- to which I am not getting paid- that I suddenly had as their Uncle to watch over them for her. She watches them all the time and she is tired, she would whine. Oh, tough cookies. You chose to have them, you watch over them. Not my problem Sistah. Sorrryyy.

Or the many times when I call a friend who has kids or just recently had one and they insist on me talking to their child on the phone. I really don’t get this one. Seriously. The kid is like 6 months old, he can’t even say Dada and you put him on the phone with me? What’s the point? You know he won’t say anything even remotely decipherable and I will be left feeling like an idiot on the other side pretending to try to converse with it while I am dying of boredom inside. You are wasting my money here people. Those phone calls are not cheap, and my money doesn’t grow on trees. I am calling you for a reason, and unless it’s to hear your kids guttural voices, KEEP THEM OFF THE PHONE.

But nothing, nothing supercedes the annoyance of having you bastards dragging your kids with you on airplanes. That’s the one thing I can not forgive you parents for: the annoying screaming of your child on the plane, right behind my ears, while I am trying to get some sleep. As if it wasn’t hard enough to sleep on those modern torture devices they call airplane seats, you chose to inconvenience me more by bringing your scream machine on board. Thanks a lot. Can you explain to me why exactly did you feel the need to bring your child with you on this trip? Are you moving to another country? Does it have a terminal disease that requires medical attention in another country? No? Neither one of those? You are on vacation you say? Well, then WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE THEM HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS YOU MORONS? That’s what Grand parents are for people: taking care of your kids while you are away. Your kids don’t need to travel with you. It’s an unnecessary expense and a responsibility, the exact 2 things you don’t want on your vacation. So what were you thinking? Or has “being stupid” become a fashionable life-style choice for you?

And if it’s not enough that I have to be inconvenienced due to your irresponsible irrational decision to take your kids with you, the airlines seem to want to encourage your kind of behavior by rewarding it: THEY LET YOU BOARD FIRST. Yes, because what I really want to be greeted with while I walk to my seat is the sound of your kid screaming while running throughout the plane. Oh, what a cheerful sight. I am sorry, but they should only pr-board people who are maimed, disabled or sick. Having a child with you while traveling-while a retarded decision-is not a disability, nor should it be treated as such. Such moronic behavior shouldn’t be rewarded, period. They are the ones burdening the rest of us with their annoying and needy children; they don’t deserve our sympathy: They deserve to be punished.

So I propose that they shouldn’t be allowed to board early, or even during regular boarding time: they should board last, after the rest of us non-annoying people are seated and situated and even had a drink or two to help alleviate the stress of having them on the same plane with us. They should then get escorted to their seats in a sound-proof section at the end of the plane, away from the rest of us, where they can enjoy inflicting their misery on people of their kind. Until such sections on the planes are developed by the Airplane companies (Please Boeing, I beg you), I have a perfect little solution to that little annoying problem you call your runt: sedation. Kids should be immediately sedated the moment they are on the plane, so that they can fall asleep and we can all get through the trip without incident. And to cover the cost of sedation ( drugs are expensive, just take my word for it) , the parents shouldn’t be served any food, but should be welcome to scavenge the trays for the food leftovers of non-annoying adults. After all, we are reasonable people here, and we don’t want you to starve to death and leave us the responsibility of taking care of your little creatures. We just want to encourage you to keep them at home, and persuade you not to have any more. We have enough idiots running amok all over the world, thank you very much, and we don’t need any more, especially from your gene pool. So please, be a responsible adult and stop reproducing: it’s what’s best for the planet.

So True

Sean Bateman: Lauren I want to know you
Lauren: What does that mean know me? know me? Nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never ever know me.

The Rules of Attraction

What relationships are all about

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Rorschach

"Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent.

Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever, and we are alone.

Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves; go into oblivion.

There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose.

This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us.

Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world."

Alan Moore, Watchmen

My response to Z's Post

I am writing this post in response to Z’s post on how bad Gemini males are. She claims that during male-bitch fest with 3 other bitter females, she suddenly stumbled on the revelation that Gemini guys are the worst.

While we bitterly complained in general about the asinine ways of boys--we noticed that though many guys are jerk offs---it’s those damn GEMINI guys who really wreak havoc on a woman’s mental and emotional well-being!

Now this caught my attention, because I am a Gemini guy and I like being a Gemini and will not stand for someone else to bash my sign. I then decided that it may be better to just write a rebuttal to what she said, and this is what this post is all about.

Dear Z,

It came to my attention that you have issues with men, specifically those of the Gemini persuasion. As a Gemini male myself, I find the fact that you have issues with our fabulous nature to be very troubling, because, you know, we are awesome. But then I remembered that you actually liked Gamal Abdel Nasser and thought he was an OK guy, so I figured that your thought process may have some..ehh.. kinks in it which always ensures that you end up with the wrong conclusion. So I volunteered my time and effort to help you see the error of your ways, and how you are wrong about geminis. I will be using your criticisms as a tool to help me with my task, and I am sure that you will realize how fortunate you were for having such men as Gemini males in your life. Ok? Let’s go.

With the exception of one girlfriend, all of us had A FEW Gemini horror stories to share. Less than 10 minutes into our GEMINI lamentations, we reached a consensus: GEMINI guys are selfish, manipulative, insidious users who find delight in playing with and breaking a woman’s heart.

Ok, first of all, "the selfish , manipulative, insidious users" charge is unfair, because it can be used to characterize the supreme majority of men and women. To claim that those are Gemini only traits is both misleading and disingenuous. The same goes for “finding delight in playing and breaking a woman’s heart”. Puleeze. That’s everybody. You telling me you never played anyone or had to break their heart? Hey, shit happens in relationships. Just because it happened to you doesn’t make it my Zodiac’s fault. Anyway…

But we’re magnets to their dark, charismatic ways. Think Johhny Depp. Yum. They entertain us with their games. They seduce us with words. Charm us with their incessant flirtation.

You also forgot that we provide you with the drama and the mental stimulation you crave. Geminis are all smart, intense and talented and will always give you something to think about. We are also master communicators. You can tell a Gemini anything, you can talk to them for hours without getting bored. We always amuse and entertain you, alongside charming you, and that’s why you find us so irresistible.

Yet, keeping a GEMINI grounded and interested in you seems to be a 24/7 task. It’s exhausting! And before you know it, the GEMINI is bored and needs something new. He only comes back temporarily when he needs to fill the loneliness in his life. THOSE BASTARDS!

Ahh, and here we reach the crux of the problem, your problem, with the Gemini males. See, we need recuperation. We need to get back what we put it. We need someone who will intrigue us, mentally stimulate us, who will do to us what we do to you. Most of you fail at that, because, let’s face it, most of you are BORING. Geminis are tornados of energy and zest for life, and you are talking about keeping them grounded. See where the problem lies here? Instead of jumping on the bandwagon, you want to stop it. Why? It would be smarter and less exhausting to run along instead of always trying to stop us in order to do..ehh.. the nothing that you do all day.

God knows we will try to help you; we will give you suggestions, offer advice, activities to embark on and things to do (especially in bed), but most of you never seize the opportunity when we offer it. You instead wanna talk and discuss things and tell us why we can’t do certain things. Bullshit. There is nothing in this world that a Gemini isn’t capable of doing and getting away with it as well. The faster you get yourself accustomed to that fact, the more fun you and the Gemini will have together.

And then you complain that we only come back to fill the loneliness in our lives. Well, that’s not true. We are very introspective creatures. We always wonder if we did make a wrong choice and if we should have given that person who we had to break up with due to their constant whining and bitching and suffocating ways a second chance. If we made a hasty mistake of judgment so to speak. So we come back into your lives for a few days and low and behold it turns out that we didn’t make a mistake when we left your sorry asses. You are still the same boring annoying suffocating individuals we ran away from. Is it any wonder we bolt again? Wouldn’t you?

Is there a special Ritalin prescription out there for GEMINIS in order to help them shed their frivolous and capricious ways?

No need for one. Just don’t be a boring nag. Make us laugh and we are interested; make us laugh and think and we are yours; make us laugh and think and be good in bed and we are truly yours. God knows we are always funny, mentally stimulating and good in bed. It’s mostly the other party that sucks at life and demands that we stay with them anyway. Pshhhhhhh.

Their schizophrenic split personalities are a crime against humanity! To further complicate matters, GEMINIS are two faced.

You are half right there: we are schizophrenic, but not two-faced. We have 2 personalities fighting for control inside of us and whichever takes over at when is anybody’s guess and completely dependent on luck. It’s not our fault; we are born this way. Not to mention, it’s part of our charm. It’s why we are so damn unpredictable. You never know what we will do or how we will react in any situation, cause either one of the personalities could take over at the time.

Pre-disposed to cheating through their manipulative ways.

Ok, now you are saying we are cheaters? What kind of cheating we talking about here? Physical cheating? Mental cheating? Emotional cheating? You have to specify. Not to mention, before you accuse a Gemini of cheating, you have to ask yourself one thing : “ Are we in a monogamous relationship? Are we even in a relationship? Does seeing him twice a week and fucking his brains out constitute one?”, because that’s usually what you get with a Gemini. A Gemini will never be the first to demand a definition of the relationship, so you girls just assume we are in one. Don’t! Unless we say that we are in a relationship, we are not. And if you push us into admitting it, we will feel bad about rejecting you, so we will mumble incoherently in a way that makes you think we are “in agreement but just being shy and bashful”. We are not. You are assuming things again. Stop it.

Plus, even if we are in a relationship and we find someone better than you, who will love us better and stimulate us better, remind me again why should we stay with you anyway? Love is a fleeting thing, and so is attraction. You can’t control who you are attracted to, why should we be held up to such an insane requirement? Is it our fault that we are honest creature who tell you right away that we are done with your boring ass and that we found someone better? Should we stay with you and lie to you and ourselves? Why? To keep you happy? But you are not keeping us happy, so why should we be the one who get shafted? We are straightforward go-getters; if you can’t deal with it, then don’t date us.

Even worse, they are attention whores in need of accolades and worship. What does a GEMINI see when he looks into the mirror? God. One must frequently--as in every other minute-- praise his good looks, intelligence, and charismatic personality. Basically, staple your lips to his ass, because that’s what he needs.

BECAUSE WE ARE SUPERIOR DAMN IT. That’s why you want us. That’s why you put up with us. We know we are that good. We know that we are worth it, and we know that you better recognize. It’s that simple.

Of course this praise is hardly ever reciprocated. He’s GOD, you’re not.

Exactly. What, you want us to lie to you? If you suck then you suck. Not our fault you are one of the zodiacs less fortunate creatures. Plus, who needs who here? Who wants who to stay with them, despite knowing that they are not worthy? Yeah, exactly, not the Gemini. You need to kiss our ass because we are tolerating you and your presence in our lives, and because we know if you don’t there are a dozen other girls around the corner just waiting their turn to staple their lips to our asses. You know it too, and that’s what really drives you crazy: A Gemini is never disposable, you, on the other hand, are.

Look, we are smart, charismatic, charming, entertaining, stimulating and extremely confidant. You want a piece of that action, then get over it, get on board or get lost. Just don’t go running around whining how you can’t keep us on your terms. You don’t make a Gemini adapt to you, you adapt to him, because we are awesome and that’s all there is to it.

Hope that helped clarify things a bit for ya. If you have anymore questions, let me know.

Sincerely yours,

The awesome Gemini Sandmonkey

Women

Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created women? Huh? No shit. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S'matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women... a mistake... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?

Darryl Van Horne, The Witches of Eastwick