E-mail from my friend M.

I've been doing some thinking lately...here are some of my thoughts a bit influenced by my past week.

Thoughts on a fickle heart and a stubborn mind

Nobody likes to be lonely all the time and when somebody strikes us as fascinating we become curious to know more about them. The head gives them a chance…but the heart is not won over that way.

As a Gemini is ruled by intellect it is not in tune with its feelings rather thinks them through. That is why I think a challenge (mentally) is stimulating.

Sometimes we get overwhelmed by emotions…out of nowhere and feel lost and don’t know what to do. The mind takes a step back and just relaxes.

That is what happened to me last weekend my friend. After a bad date I went over my neighbors house and we fucked each other crazy for hours. It was awesome because I felt so free…my brain was off and disappeared. I felt everything, I don’t remember anything. I swear my body and his body were emanating this energy that I could feel without touching him. He could understand me, and I could understand him and I took his cues gladly.

This doesn’t mean anything serious such as a relationship rather we enjoyed each other’s company.

I think as a Gemini its nice to take a break from the mental challenge that is so natural with every meeting of the opposite sex. The banter to see if they can ‘handle’ being with a bull shitter, fickle, always moving, always full of anxiety…if they step up to the challenge then its worth to give them a try.

You asked me: How did you stay in a loveless relationship? I did love him and that is why I stayed. I loved him in an appreciative way, like a good friend, not a lover. It was comfortable that I didn’t have to move and look for someone else and I made myself believe that was love was. I never knew what love was so I assumed it to be so.

Regarding each of your girlfriends maybe they each stimulate your brain (also the satisfaction of variety) and not the emotions inside you. Its possible you need to find is someone who stimulates your emotions to the core, and who can understand and accept you without judgment. A person that you can just be with and just be happy with without holding back. Don’t let it get to you Sam, you may be naughty lover sometimes but doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re just very brainy and curious.

I know you have a lot to give and it may be building up inside you. I hope you find someone you can share that with.

Excuse my ranting I’m still in lala land…you should find the song “tear you apart” (During my impromptu sexcapades we fucked to that song at his computer desk and did what some of the lyrics said as it played hehehe)

I love sex!

Change

We write our own destiny, sure: that doesn't mean you can't see it coming, like a huge wave on the ocean. Everything that happens in this story is fate, unfolding out of itself. If you were to see somebody realize they already know everything that's about to happen, it would look like time moving forward. It would look like this. The wooden dialogue actually adds to the effect: every "realization" you have, moving forward on the tide, is just another level of acceptance. It will get you between the eyes with it, in the end; but think about it, like hearing a sound across the ocean, getting closer. Like hearing an ordinary girl declare herself an angel a thousand times before you can admit the possibility.

If you could admit what was going to happen -- if you knew your fate, consciously, and how it keeps the world turning -- who knows what you'd do differently? Sometimes it's better to just close your eyes, especially when the Gods are involved. God has very bad manners most of the time, but this is one thing you can count on: nothing you can't handle until precisely the point that you can handle it. Until the bugs stop jumping and you realize there was never anything to be scared of, after all. This is how change works, all change: it feels like dying because it is.

The Blackhole

She tells me that she has a dilemma.

Almost everyone she's been involved with has told her that she is cold, she says. That's their reason, their excuse, the one thing they all agree on, she says.

And they are not always wrong about it, she also says.

Confessions abound, and story after story is told and they are almost always the same. Those she gets she doesn't end up wanting to keep, and those that she wants always end up leaving her. And she is so nice to them by then, so sweet, that it doesn't make sense for them to leave her. But they do. They always do.

She can't figure it out, she says!

She also tells me that she is attracted to my warmth. That there is something about me that's comforting. Something that she wants to be close to. And after spending some time with her, I am not sure I am willing to do that at all. It got too cold too quick, and even I couldn't totally handle it.

You see, it's not that she is cold. She just doesn't generate heat, and needs to draw it in her. She is just like a Blackhole, attracting all the warmth and the light to it, and doesn't give it back. It's all one way with her, and her gravatational pull will suck all of your energy in and leave you freezing in the cold. All the heat in the world wouldn't make it warmer one tiny bit, even if it looks this way.

And it's the hardest thing to deal with, to be given a warm smile and not be able to feel it. It's like a hologram of fire: just looks like the real thing, but don't expect it to keep you warm at night. No wonder some people run away: To be given all the right moves and sounds to show love and affection yet somehow you don't even feel it, well, sooner or later you will believe it to be fake. That she is just another liar, and this is just another make-belief relationship where you get used. It couldn't be further from the truth, but there is no evidence to back that up. So who can blame them from walking away? And who can convince them to stay, when staying could mean certain destruction?

The way a blackhole works is simple: It used to be a sun. A cenetr of light and heat. A Natural nuclear reactor. And then one day it shut down. It died. It collapsed upon itself, and it started to attract every single piece of light to it, where it would be sucked in and forever dissappear. It's gravatational pull said to be so strong that not a single force in the world can pull you back once it has you, and not a single being or planet or metal can survive it once it sucks you in. It attracts you, and it destroys you, and the worst thing is, there is no escaping it once you are close enough to its orbit. It draws you in, opens up to you like an old friend, gives you its embrace and ends up sucking the warmth out of you, depleting you, until there is nothing left in you for it to want. And it doesn't do this because it's evil or hell bent on destroying everything. There is no cruelty or malice involved in this. It's just the way Blackholes work. It's in their nature!

You just gotta accept that, or, if you can't handle it, you should run away like all the rest. Either way, you can't help but feel betrayed! That it wasn't supposed to be this way!

The thing is though, every Black hole used to be a sun, until something turned it off. The Process is until now irreversable, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. It's all a matter of figuring out the factor that made it go supernova and die. If you can figure it out, then you could fix it, and have a sun all to yourself.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all just a test.

Maybe it works like that as a way for the Blackhole to weed out the unworthy. It's must be hard to have such a strong gravitational pull: all kinds of things must get attracted to it, and the majority of which must be rubbish, thus has to be destroyed. Maybe, just maybe, every Blackhole is just waiting for that special something that can pass through its gravitational pull and doesn't get destroyed, and comes in contact with it and manages to keep its heat. It would take something really strong and special to be able to do that, something worthy. Maybe that's what this is all about. And when that day comes, the gravatational pull will stop , the destruction will cease, and the Blackhole will be satisfied, having found its exclusive heat center.

But until that day comes, the status que will remain. The Blackhole will attract anything and everything that comes in its path, hoping to quench a hunger that's never satisfied. And everyone will fear it, and try to keep their distance, otherwise it will just turn them cold and then destroys them.

Cause that's the way Blackholes work!