Juxtaposition

One Upon A Time

Then:

We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees, screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves. It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner." The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. The few insects skidded away in hopes of a better pastime.

I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you would accompany me in a quick fall, but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone. You said,"The cinders are falling like snow." There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and line.Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message

---

Now:

Once, she had looked at him with a knowing sparkle in her eye, as if she were hiding some great truth she wanted to share with him. Now when she looked at him, there was still a warm love in her eyes, but her secrets were all told. He was the one with something to hide now; she would never -- could never -- know the power she had held over him. Had she but asked, it would have been given; had she picked up the phone he would have come. But she did not ask, and she did not call, and for that, he breathed a sad sigh of relief.

He knew how that story ended, yet would have been helpless to stop it had she simply spoken the right words. So he kept silent even while his heart was screaming, and at long last the spell was broken. He smiled softly back, wondering what she saw in his eyes. She was beautiful, and she was happy. And he was free.

The End

A secret

It happens at my apartment building. am standing outside our apartment's door, saying goodbye to people who are apparantly my guests and who are leaving. I am walking out backwards because i am greeting them so hard and being super polite and nice when i hit the rail on the staircase with my back, slip, lose my balance and fall down to my death. I am wearing a huge green suit for some reason.

I had this nightamre every night for 2 months when i was 6 years old.

And until this day, I believe that one day I will die by somehow slipping and falling down in that hollow area in the staircase to my death. One of the main reasons why I was happy that I left to the States was to avoid dying because of that staircase, and it's one of the main reasons why i really want to leave again.

Weird , huh?

I need to make a shirt that says that..

I could have had a nice, easy life but no... your parents had to fuck....

I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word "love" itself already died and went away.

Marylin Manson

On parents

When a child first catches adults out - when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not have divine intelligence, that their judgements are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just - his world falls into panic desolution. The Gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of Gods; they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.

East of Eden

I know what he means

The newspapers kept stroking my fear. New surveys provided awful statistics on just about everything. Evidence suggested that we were not doing well. Researchers gloomily agreed. Environmental psychologists were interviewed. Damage had “unwittingly” been done. There was “feared lapses”. There were “misconceptions” about potential. Situations had “deteriorated”. Cruelty was on the rise and there was nothing anyone could do about it. The populace was confounded, yet didn’t care. Unpublished studies hinted that we were all paying a price. Scientists peered into data and concluded that we should all be very worried. No one knew what normal behavior was anymore, and some argued that this was a form of virtue. And no one argued back. No one challenged anything. Anxiety was soaking up most people’s days. Everyone had become pre-occupied with horror. Madness was fluttering everywhere. There was fifty years of research supporting this data. There were diagrams illustrating all these problems- circles and hexagons and squares, different sections colored in lime or lilac or gray. Most troubling were the fleeting signs that nothing could transform any of this into something positive. You couldn’t help being both afraid and fascinated. Reading these articles made you feel that the survival of mankind didn’t seem very important on the long run. We were doomed. We deserved it.

Bret Easton Ellis, Lunar Park

Addicted

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time, then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Kelly Clarkson, Addicted

Fear

I care about her. I care about her a lot.

I don't want to hurt her.

She trusts me so much. It has been a long time since someone handed me their heart on a platter the way she has. And that scares me even more, because the last time that happend, people got hurt. And I don't want to hurt her.

What scares me even more is that I know that it will end. It will end too soon. It has to end, for so many reasons. I know it. She knows it. She accepts it. She even said that I was a person worth having her heart broken for. Me. I am worth that.

When I see the look in her eyes. The way she sees me. The way she cares. The reflection of me in her eyes; that person that i know can not be me, because i am not that wonderful or beautiful or good. I know that for a fact. I know how ugly I could get. I tell her that. I warn her repeatedly that I am not the kind to be trusted. That i am no different than any other male asshole out there. That I could hurt her badly. I tell her all that, half begging she would run away and half hoping she wouldn't. And she hears it all and she doesn't run away. She stays.

She trusts me. She put her faith in me. She believes in the goodness inside me. That i wouldn't hurt her or betray her like that. Despite all the reasons why she should be fearing me, why she should be shielding herself, protecting herself, building up walls around herself so that I wouldn't hurt her the way I hurt those before her. All of that doesn't phase her. She said she saw my soul and that my soul is good, despite all the things I have done/did/plan on doing. She is the first girl, in god knows how many, who isn't attracted to me because i am cocky or a "bad boy" or dangerous or evil. The first girl in forever who looks past the image, the hide, the mask that covers me and protects me from the rotten evil world that surrounds me. I am not on survival mode when i am around her. I don't distrust her. I don't second-guess her. And I never really question her motives. When i am with her, i am at ease. I am at home. I feel protected.

I feel happy.

And that's what terrifies me the most.

*Originally written 5/30/2004*

You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you se and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself.

Douglas Adams

---

Kristin: when should I pick up my food from ur place?
Kristin: I think Maria wants to go out lata
superior Soul: hmm
superior Soul: u have the keys right
Kristin: yeah
superior Soul: well
Kristin: ok I'll just go whenever then
superior Soul: whats stopping u?
superior Soul: lol
superior Soul: so
Kristin: nothing I just thought if u were going
superior Soul: whatchu gonna do with maria
Kristin: to be there at some point
superior Soul: going out?
superior Soul: i will at 6
Kristin: I would go then
superior Soul: i have to go pick up my laundry at 6
Kristin: ok
superior Soul: so i am leavin here in an hour
Kristin: I don't know where to go w/ Maria yet
superior Soul: what's nick doing?
Kristin: She will call me later
Kristin: Nick will meet up with us I think
Kristin: he's going to church w/ me tommorow
Kristin: so he wants to stay over
superior Soul: which makes sense
superior Soul: where will u people be going?
Kristin: I don't know
Kristin: I have to talk to Maria
superior Soul: yeah
Kristin: but I don't think she will know either

---

Many people don't realize that shells are what sand is made from. Broken shells thousands upon thousands.

Billabong Surf Issue Volume 1

---

superior Soul: just spoke to maria
superior Soul: she is on her way to cambrdige with the other maria
superior Soul: she will be back in an hour or two
superior Soul: and then i will take her ass and get her drunk and high
Kristin: ok cool
superior Soul: and then hand her over to u whenever u r done
Kristin: where ru taking her
superior Soul: dunno yet
superior Soul: but i will figure something out
Kristin: I want u to come out w/ us
superior Soul: don;t think so
superior Soul: 1) don't have the money
Kristin: neither do I
superior Soul: 2) it will be chris and maria and u and nick
superior Soul: 5th whell status is not my forte
Kristin: chris is coming?
superior Soul: prolly
superior Soul: it will be cute
Kristin: i wasn't sure
superior Soul: like a double date
Kristin: yeah
superior Soul: :-D
Kristin: nick and chris will become best friends
superior Soul: yeah
superior Soul: i think they will
superior Soul: lol
Kristin: u do
superior Soul: have u spoke to chris?
Kristin: I've tried
superior Soul: and?
Kristin: he's hard to talk to
Kristin: he doesn't make much small talk
Kristin: Marie and I discussed this b4
Kristin: she felt the same way
superior Soul: yeah
superior Soul: he is too intelectual
Kristin: what?
superior Soul: last time me and him went off on tangents
Kristin: I didn't get that impression
superior Soul: nahh
superior Soul: he is pretty well read and cultured
Kristin: but I haven't talked to him that much
Kristin: o
Kristin: that's good
superior Soul: u gotta be if u r biracial, buddhist, computer science major
Kristin: right?
superior Soul: and a master swordsman
Kristin: so should I take my break at 6
Kristin: he's a swordsman?
Kristin: wow
superior Soul: take it at 6:10
superior Soul: yeah
superior Soul: me and him were taking swordfighting tactics
superior Soul: *talking
superior Soul: we were high
superior Soul: but that's how maria found that out too
superior Soul: she didn;t know he was
superior Soul: now they fight with wooden swrods at his place all the time
superior Soul: but who knows
superior Soul: maybe chris and nick will bond over something
superior Soul: prolly how crazy their women are
superior Soul: :-P
Kristin: I ain't crazy
Kristin: and neither is MAria
Kristin: sperminator ur the crazy one
superior Soul: that is sooo true

Kristin: I know

---

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

---

superior Soul: ok

superior Soul: so mell

superior Soul: i am out of money

superior Soul: but i have my rent money

superior Soul: should i do which of the following

mismonei: thats good

superior Soul: 1) not buy weed at all

mismonei: or

superior Soul: 2) buy an eigth and say fuck it

mismonei: or

superior Soul: 3) buy an eigth, pay 20 and have the person front me the other 20 till i get some money on tuesday?

mismonei: and tuesday is the first so tahts when u pay rent so i say CHOOSE 3

superior Soul: hmm

superior Soul: ok

mismonei: what do u think

mismonei: thats a good choice

superior Soul: it is a good choice

superior Soul: i just wish my weed hasn't disappeared u know?

mismonei: i know taht fucking blows

mismonei: i hate when my shit dissapears

mismonei: i hate when my shit dissapears

superior Soul: and don;t u hate it even more

superior Soul: when u know who took it

superior Soul: and u know that its not worth it

mismonei: yeah

superior Soul: cause they will never admit it

mismonei: thats right

superior Soul: and they will play the fuckin victim and demand an apology

mismonei: cause they SUCK

superior Soul: yeppers

mismonei: i have a roomate who does that on a daliy basis

superior Soul: hehe

superior Soul: nahh

superior Soul: the person who did that to me is..was..used to be my bestfriendd

mismonei: ya

superior Soul: i got her ass high yesterday and that's how she repays me

mismonei: i hear u

superior Soul: there is always something underneath the surface with people

superior Soul: something really ugly

superior Soul: and it's always there

superior Soul: u just can;t see it till u can see it

superior Soul: no matter what other people tell u

superior Soul: no matter how many times u r warned

superior Soul: u don;t see it till u see it

superior Soul: and sometimes u never ever do

superior Soul: but its always there

superior Soul: I love it

superior Soul: what do u think?

mismonei: i think that is so tru

mismonei: four parts to a person

superior Soul: 4?

mismonei: the things they know, the things other people know, the things that, the things that are there that u never see and the the things that u will never know

superior Soul: whats the differnece between the things that are there that u never see and the the things that u will never know?

mismonei: i think they may be the same

mismonei: amybe only three then

superior Soul: well

superior Soul: how about this

mismonei: ya

superior Soul: there are the things they will tell you about themselves, the things other people will tell u about them, the things that will get unraveld about them to you over time by interacting and talking to them but which they may not be aware of or are but will never tell you and finally there are the things that hide in a dark sealed shut nuclear bunker of a room that resides in their heart, that they will never show or tell to anyone ever because they believe-most of the time correctly- that if other people knew about them they would crucify them.

superior Soul: does that sound right to you?

---

What do you think?

"Your country sucks more than i thought it did"

I got this e-mail from my friend Nicole

So Sam, you need to have a talk with your mother or someone with some power to change things in your fucked up little corner of the world. I have a product that needs to get shipped to egypt and fucking AAAAAAAAA I have to go through hoops to get it there. I have to make copies of shit, fill out a cert of origin (and what am i supposed to do if the origin for one of the products is costa fuckin rica....not that you'd know im just pissed)..get it notarized at the chamber of commerce....then i have to send it to the American egyptian cooperation foundation ( now if we were really cooperating none of this bs would be necessary)....who after charging me 35 bucks a document will sent it to the egyptian consulate who will then charge me another 50 fuckin bucks to say that ya i think its from the US. Dude ur contry needs to change things cause i didnt like it before because it kept you away now i really hate it and just find egypt to be one big ole pain in the ass that does nothing but ruin my fun.

anyways....hope all is well i just needed to vent cause this sucks a big ole donkey's ball sack and your the only person from egypt i know so tough titties u have to listen to me bitch. gotta go though almost time to go leave yippeee.

Miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regards (why people say regards is beyond me ...i wish i could change it to say peace mother fucker...i mean i can for you but in general its regards...),

Nicole

Acoustic #3

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
You're not listening anyway

The Goo Goo Dolls

All good things come in threes

There is this guy at work whose wife just had triplets.3 Children. At the same. One right after the other. I keep getting this image of a Pez Dispenser whenever I think of it. Or one of those Tennis-ball-spitting-machines. It's all very mentally disturbing to me Image –wise, I don’t know why!

However, the dude, a first time father, now has 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. People at work are calling it a miracle from God. I tend to call it a miracle from Pfizer. And it seems that I have it right: This doctor they went to was concerned that they may not have babies, so he gave them this drug, and Viola: Triplets. And all they wanted was one kid. All they planned on was one kid. Thanks modern science for fucking people over again. Thanks a lot.

And while they say all good things come in threes, the same doesn’t apply to children, cause , you see, kids cost money. He has to feed them, cloths them, buy baby food, toys and diapers, never sleep from all the crying they will subject him to. And then, and then they go to school. And since it’s Egypt, they have to go to a private school, which is expensive, multiply by 3, add tutoring expenses, new cloths, books, school supplies, more food, more toys, and never even mind high school, cars, college or getting married. ahhhh, the mind reels.

So, all of us at my company have collected money amongst ourselves and gave it to him, a way to congratulate him for "god's gift" to him, and a way to tell him that we know how fucked he will be. He joked how he will probably need us to make this a monthly habit. Ha, half what's said in jest, right? Fuck him. He ain't getting no more money from me to support his spawns. No one told him to take fertility drugs that moron. Personal responsibility motherfucker. You get no sympathy from me.

Actually, what he keeps getting from me is increased hostility. Everyday now I go to him and instead of saying good morning I am like "3? 3 fuckin kids? What the fuck is wrong with you? Isn’t the country overpopulated enough you bastard? Does the morgue need anymore dead bodies?", followed by a warning from me that he shouldn't even Kiss his wife any time soon, let alone fuck her. I tell him that he should probably keep his distance and just waive hi to her once a day from across the apartment and then proceed to sleep on the couch. Not even holding hands is allowed. You never know with a woman like that. She is giving the Napa valley a run for its money when it comes to fertility. You know?

Triplets. Jesus.